House Quotations
House (TV series)
From Wikiquote (Redirected from House) Jump to: navigation, searchHouse (2004-), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients.
Season 1
- Main article: House (TV series)/Season 1
Pilot (1.01)
I'm angry! You're risking a patient's life.- Dr. Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
- Dr. House: Ah, yes, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, 'You can't always get what you want.'
Season 2
- Main article: House (TV series)/Season 2
Acceptance (2.01)
- Assistant: You can't go in there.
- Dr. House: Who are you? And why are you wearing a tie?
- Assistant: I'm Dr. Cuddy's new assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding?
- Dr. House: Yes! I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don't.
- Assistant: I'm her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers.
- Dr. House: Hmm... I didn't know they had a secretarial school. Well, I hope you took some classes in sexual harassment law. Does the word "ka-ching" mean anything to you? I'm going in now.
Season 3
Meaning_(3.01)">Meaning (3.01)
- Dr. Wilson: So if there's no diagnostic issue why are you taking the case?
- Dr. House: ...Treatment can be interesting.
- Dr. Wilson: Not to you.
- Dr. House: I've changed.
- Dr. Wilson: No you haven't.
- Dr. House: [immediately] No I haven't.
- Dr. House: [leaning over the end of the patient's bed] Don't worry, I'm not going to burn you again. I'm going to [reveals needle] STAB YOU!
- Dr. House: What about Steven Hawking trying to do the 500 Butterfly?
- Dr. Cameron: We should give her a local.
- Dr. House: That would defeat the purpose of me being nasty.
- Dr. Cuddy: You've been back at work for 24 hours and already you're playing hide-and-seek in a woman's spine.
- Dr. House: Who won the pool?
- Dr. Wilson: You really don't give a crap, do you?
- Dr. House: Does that make me evil?
- Dr. Wilson: Yeah.
- Dr. Wilson: The reason we crave meaning is because it makes us happy. The first level of happiness... [House walks away] I'm not going away.
- Dr. Wilson: The fifth level of happiness involves Creation, changing lives.
- Dr. House: The sixth level is heroin, the seventh level is you going away.
- Caren Krause: Scurvy? Like what sailors get when they don't eat right?
- Dr. Foreman: Aye aye.
- Arlene: I'm taking care of him for the same reason you helped us.
- Dr. House: Some guy shot you and you hallucinated?
- Dr. House: I don't remember you being this bitchy.
- Dr. Wilson: The Vicodin dulled it. In the sober light of day, I'm a buzz-kill.
- Dr. Wilson: Just because he was right, doesn't mean he wasn't wrong.
- Dr. Cuddy: I see him every day. I can't just —
- Dr. Wilson: Everybody lies.
- [House has just done a skateboard trick.]
- Dr. House: Oh! I stuck that primo! How rad am I?!
- Dr. Cameron: You're lucky he didn't die.
- Dr. House: I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die.
- [House has just run all the way from his home to the hospital]
- Dr. Cuddy: Why did you...?
- Dr. House: Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?
- Dr. Wilson: Because he can.
- Dr. House: Inject him with cortisol. He'll have sex with his wife again! He'll hug his kid again! Hopefully that's the combination he was using... be a shame if I cured a pedophile.
- Dr. Cuddy: Twenty-four times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Except you never say those words. You say something like, "His pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire!"
- Dr. House: Would you like to get a drink?
- Dr. Cameron: Are you .. are you serious or are you just trying to change the subject?
- Dr. House: No I'm serious. I drink, you drink, we can do it at the same time, at the same table. Do you eat? We could do that too. Hey, if the answer's "no" that's cool, but...
- Dr. Cameron: No it's just... you're just coming off surgery and you're not yourself yet and I work for you and even though last year's... agh. You're smiling. I'm saying no and you're smiling.
- Dr. House: Well don't take it personally, it's just cause you're full of crap. You have no interest in going out with me. Maybe you did when I couldn't walk, when I was a sick puppy that you could nurture back to health. Now that I'm healthy there's nothing in it for you.
- Dr. Cameron: You are not healthy. Cuddy wants to see you.
Cane and Able (3.02)
- Dr. House: So you're saying Chase did screw up.
- Dr. Chase: Or Foreman screwed up.
- Dr. Foreman: Big hand points to minutes, maybe you got them mixed up.
- Dr. House: Oh snap, Foreman is playing the dozens. You're at a huge cultural disadvantage here, Chase. Take a couple minutes here and think of a witty retort.
- [later]
- Dr. Chase: Hey Foreman, your momma's so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
- Dr. Cameron: Is your leg hurting?
- Dr. House: Is that question helping?
- Dr. Cameron: You're leaning.
- Dr. House: You're sitting.
- Dr. Cameron: You're evading.
- Dr. House: My head's hurting.
- Richard: I want to have sex with my wife.
- Dr. Cameron: Oh.
- Richard: And I was hoping maybe you could ...
- Dr. Cameron: Viagra? You're here for Viagra?
- Richard: A bucket full would be nice.
- Dr. House: Can you believe what Cuddy tried to pull?
- Dr. Wilson: What now?
- Dr. House: She lied to me. She cured my patient with my diagnosis, then lied to me about it.
- Dr. Wilson: That doesn't sound like her.
- Dr. House: You're right. Does sound like you, though.
- Dr. Wilson: What exactly did Cuddy tell you?
- Dr. House: Nothing that your body language isn't telling me right now. So what was the plan? I'd feel so horrible by missing a case that I'd re-evaluate my entire life, question the nature of truth and goodness and become Cameron?
- Dr. Wilson: Something like that. More that if we'd told you the truth, that you'd solved it based on absolutely no medical proof, you'd think you were God, and I was worried your wings would melt.
- Dr. House: God doesn't limp.
- Dr. Chase: How could I screw up a simple bleeding-time test?
- Dr. Foreman: Maybe you were abducted - lost time.
- Dr. House: [crosses fingers] Tell me he's a mutant-human hybrid.
- Dr. Cameron: Maybe he cheated.
- Dr. Chase: Right, kids always cheat on their bleeding-time tests.
- Dr. House: She was being metaphorical. She's trying to sound like me. [turns to Cameron] I have no idea what you meant, but [raises eyebrow] I could smell what The Rock was cooking.
- Dr. House: I need a laser pointer.
- Dr. Cameron: We don't have a laser pointer.
- Dr. House: Well, why not? Who's going to take us seriously if we don't have a laser pointer?
- Dr. House: Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click "yes, I am 18"? Even a 17 year old can figure it out.
- Dr. Cuddy: What's going on with the leg?
- Dr. House: First tell me what's going on with the boobs.
- Dr. Cuddy: If you're feeling pain -
- Dr. House: They're firmer.
- Dr. Cuddy: It's called an underwire. I wanna get a PET scan of your brain.
- Dr. House: I think it's hormones.
- Dr. Cuddy: As long as there's no increased activity in the thalamus -
- Dr. House: [out of the corner of his mouth] Looks to me like those puppies are going into the dairy business.
- Dr. Cuddy: - then the pain can be good. It could mean muscle regenerating. After you workout you get sore. Pain doesn't mean that it failed.
- Dr. House: Guess I should be saying "mazel tov". Who gets to pass out the cigars?
- Dr. Cuddy: I'm not pregnant. I need to get a PET scan of your brain.
- Dr. House: Is it a boy or a girl? You got a name picked out?
- Dr. Cuddy: I'm not pregnant!
- Dr. House: My leg doesn't hurt.
- Dr. Cuddy: You're in denial.
- Dr. House: No I'm not! [scoffs] You got me.
- Dr. House: [pager goes off while Cuddy is talking to him] Gotta go. [starts leaving, and stumbles after a few steps]
- [Cuddy rushes over to help him]
- Dr. House: [stands up] Ha.
- Dr. Wilson: You're just like any other patient: running away from knowledge that won't make you happy.
- Dr. House: I'm as happy as a pig in poop.
- Dr. Wilson: You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a torturous window to the good life.
- Dr. House: What part of "poop" didn't you understand?
- Patient's Mother: You're talking about brain surgery.
- Dr. House: I'm talking about really cool brain surgery.
- Dr. House: Is this an intervention? You're a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics.
- Dr. Cuddy: If you did your morning run and showered at home you'd be later than usual.
- Dr. House: Thought of you in the shower.
- Dr. Cuddy: How's your leg? You seem to be favouring your left side.
- Dr. House: It was hanging down my right pant leg yesterday, makes all the difference in the world.
- Dr. House: Why don't I have high-def in my office? I'm a department head.
- Dr. House: Foreman, you gotta steal this thing for me!
- Dr. Foreman: Oh, let me ring up one of the homies.
- Dr. Chase: House! Clancy has gone missing!
- Dr. House: Oh God! I'll look on Alpha Centauri, you look on Tatooine, and Cameron can set up an intergalactic checkpoint. Let's pray he hasn't gone into hyperdrive - we'll never catch him.
- Patient's Father: I thought you got it all!
- Dr. Chase: Yeah, yell at me—that'll fix the kid.
- Dr. House: The results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal. Said it might not even be terrestrial.
- Dr. Chase: Really?
- Dr. House: No, you idiot. It's titanium. Like from a surgical pin.
- Dr. House: (Talking to Cuddy's stomach as if she were pregnant) Your mommy's such a liar... that's why you don't have a daddy
- Dr. House: I know I get worked up when I cut microchip tracking implants out of my neck.
- Dr. House: So it's a UFO. Unidentified Flowing Orifice.
- Dr. Cuddy: [about Cameron] She's not nearly as delightful as she thinks she is.
Informed Consent (3.03)
- [Cameron is staring at House at using his cane again]
- Dr. House: What, my fly open?
- Dr. House: Fresno, that's in France, right? Did you see the Parthenon?
- Dr. Chase: [speaking about the patient] It's his call.
- Dr. Foreman: So, what do we do? Put a plastic bag over his head and get it over with?
- Dr. House: Come on, he's old, sick, and tiny. We can do whatever we want to him.
- Dr. Foreman: All that in 24 hours?
- Dr. House: Nah, whatever you don't get done you can finish at the autopsy.
- Dr. House: [after his team has worked all night] Wow, you guys look like crap. What do you got?
- Dr. Chase: Purple dye on my fingers.
- Dr. House: What did the bone marrow biopsy show?
- Dr. Foreman: Don't have the results.
- Dr. House: What? What have you been doing all night?
- Dr. Cameron: Jello shots and wild sex, what else?
- Dr. House: Okay, next procedure: we sneak in, turn back the clock.
- Powell: Dr. Chase said my calcium is normal.
- Dr. House: We call him "Dr. Idiot".
- Powell: Are you a man of your word, or not?
- Dr. House: No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.
- Powell: I've always wondered exactly what was on the other side.
- Dr. House: Nothing.
- Dr. Foreman: His heart rate's flat. We don't get it past 130 we're not gonna see anything.
- Dr. Chase: And if he falls and breaks his hip, we're not gonna see anything either. Except an increase in our malpractice insurance.
- Dr. House: Go, get to work. [turns away to look at MRI] Wait! [turns back and realizes no one has moved]
- Dr. House: [to Cameron] You do know you can't actually pierce me with your stares?
- Dr. Cameron: I can't do this. [leaves]
- Dr. House: Drama Queen.
- Dr. House: I thought you were only supposed to put on a pound a week during your last trimester.
- Dr. Cuddy: I'm not pregnant.
- Dr. House: Don't go towards the light! You'll fall and break your hip.
- Dr. House: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. [sticks his head under Powell's sheet]
- Dr. House: What's the largest organ?
- Dr. Chase: Skin.
- Dr. House: We need to get a piece.
- Dr. Foreman: Sure, we'll just wait until he leaves his room without his skin, sneak in and take a piece.
- Dr. Foreman: How the hell did you pull that out of your ass?
- Dr. House: Wasn't mine. I had a muse.
- Dr. House: [to Cameron, after she killed Powell] I'm proud of you.
Lines in the Sand (3.04)
- Dr. House: How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy, or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
- Dr. Cuddy: True; better be true; and you're a pig.
- Dr. House: Do a stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection, and ANA for lupus.
- Dr. Cameron: Because he screamed?
- Dr. Chase: It could also be an environmental reaction... an allergy, dust, weed, pollen, something he ate...
- Dr. House: Check the house and run a lung ventilation scan... the lungs are in the chest too, right?
- Dr. Foreman: I had a date last night. She screamed. Should we spend $100,000 testing her?
- Dr. House: Of course not... this isn't a veterinary hospital. ZING!
- Dr. House: Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel.
- [House tries to sedate the flailing autistic patient]
- Dr. House: Hey hey hey hey hey! [inhales from the oxygen mask]
- Patient's Mother: What're you doing?
- Dr. House: Eating the red berries.
- [House inhales and puts the mask on the child who complies and passes out]
- Patient's Mother: He trusted you.
- Dr. House: No, that wasn't trust. That was self-preservation.
- Patient's Father: No... That was huge. That was like a conversation.
- Dr. House: Monkey's afraid to eat the red berries until he sees another monkey eat them. Monkey see, monkey do. It's all it was. The kid's still as messed up as when he admitted him. [stumbles away]
- [Ali, House's 'stalker', has just left, but not before glancing over her shoulder at House and smiling. House turns to Cuddy]
- Dr. House: After that look, I'm feeling frisky. Looks like you're up.
- Dr. Cuddy: I'm ovulating. Let's go.
- Dr. House: The frisky, it went away.
- Dr. Cuddy: House, this isn't a game.
- [starts to walk away]
- Dr. House: If I leave her alone, can I have my carpet back?
- Dr. Cuddy: No.
- Dr. House: If I give up my carpet, can I have her?
- [House bursts into Cuddy's office while she's on the phone]
- Dr. House: I want my old carpet back.
- Dr. Cuddy: [into the phone] Uh, we're gonna have to do this later. [glares at House] A kid in the clinic had an accident. [hangs up] Generally, when people are on the phone...
- Dr. House: I want my old carpet back.
- Dr. Cuddy: It was stained with blood.
- Dr. House: Yeah. My blood. Which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be buried with it.
- Dr. Cuddy: You think you can get me to do anything you want, regardless of how stupid it is?
- Dr. House: It's my office! It's where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing you to brag to rich people so they'll give you more money to spend on MRIs and low-cut tops. I want it back the way it was.
- Dr. Cuddy: It's identical to your old carpet. Except without the hazardous biological waste.
- Dr. House: I shall not return to my office until every patented durable micro-fiber has been restored to its rightful place.
- Dr. Cuddy: [sarcastic] Inspiring. If you don't want to work in your office, work in the clinic. If you don't want to work in the clinic, go home. And don't get paid.
- [House starts hitting his cane loudly against the floor]
- Dr. House: Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica!...
- [Cuddy just stares at House]
- Dr. House: Attica?
- Dr. Chase: It's funny. You get a normal kid, the parent works. You get a special kid that costs more, you quit and turn the backyard into a therapy circuit.
- Dr. Cameron: Yes, if only you were handicapped. All the good times you could have had with Dad.
- Dr. House: Exactly when did New Jersey run out of horny 17 year-old boys?
- Ali: About 5 weeks ago? It's been very lonely.
- Dr. House: [in a southern accent] Come on in, brothers and sister! Welcome to the house of the Lord!
- Dr. Cameron: House, come on, the chapel?
- Dr. House: We have been blessed with the miracle of a new symptom. Brother, can you testify as to why this poor child's eyeball rolled back into his head?
- Dr. Chase: It's consistent with jimsonweed poisoning -- ocular paralysis.
- [a man sitting in the pew gets up and leaves]
- Dr. Chase: [whispering] Sorry.
- Dr. House: The wicked shall deceive ye, because they have turned from the Lord and are idiots. His ocular muscle didn't paralyze. It pirouetted.
- Dr. Cameron: MS…
- Dr. House: It is easier for a wise man to gain access to heaven…
- Dr. Cameron: Can you stop that? Just say not MS!
- Dr. Foreman: Unless you have a better idea, I'm gonna go CT his head. And then, if -- if I have to, remove his eye.
- Dr. House: You remove this kid's eye, he's only gonna be half as good at not making eye contact.
- Dr. Cuddy: I have sad news for you: She doesn't love you.
- Dr. House: You're ugly when you're jealous.
- Dr. Cuddy: She showed up at my house last night—came on to me.
- Dr. House: She's even more perfect than I thought.
- Dr. Cuddy: House. She's sick.
- [Cuddy sits down next to House]
- Dr. House: You say "sick", I say "freestylin'".
- Dr. Cuddy: The girl will have sex with an invertebrate.
- Dr. House: Come on. You're not that bad.
- Dr. Cuddy: She has a problem. You're not doing her any favors by indulging her.
- Dr. House: Why would you lie like this? Do you not have room in your heart for love?
- Dr. Cuddy: You don't believe me.
- Dr. House: I didn't believe the kids when they said that Susie was sleeping with Johnny. I didn't believe them then, I don't believe them now. I don't care that Susie married Johnny -- he's mine.
- Dr. Cuddy: She has a mole on her right breast, just below the nipple.
- Dr. House: No, she doesn't.
- Dr. Cuddy: You've seen her breasts?!
- Dr. House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House".
- Dr. Cuddy: Fine, I'm lying. [she stands up] But she did come back. She's locked up in my office. I was hoping you could talk to her. Put an end to this. [turns and leaves]
- Dr. House Why can't you be more like the other age-inappropriate girls who have a thing for me? Just accept me for me.
- Dr. Cameron: Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal child? It's normal to want to be normal.
- Dr. House: Spoken like a true circle queen. See, skinny, socially-privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle. And everyone inside the circle is "normal". Anyone outside the circle needs to be beaten, broken and reset so that they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized. Or worse - Pitied.
- Dr. Cameron: So it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy?
- Dr. House: Why would you feel sorry for someone that gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain, your secretions or your grandma's itchy place. Imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties. I don't pity this kid - I envy him.
- Dr. Cameron: All change is bad. Not true you know.
- Dr. Cuddy: She is a stalker.
- Dr. House: Right. Couldn't be that she find me interesting, attractive...it has to mean she is insane...
- Dr. Cuddy: She has called fifteen times! Your mother is not that interested in you.
- Dr. House: Well, maybe I would be better adjusted if she was.
- Dr. Cuddy: I'm notifying security.
- Dr. House: Is this about the carpet? Think I'll back off if you block all my fun?
- Dr. Cuddy: You better not having fun.
- Dr. House: I'm having fun. I'm not having sex.
- Dr. Cuddy: She is dangerous.
- Dr. House: She is not dangerous.
- Dr. Cuddy: She is pretty.
- Dr. House: She is pretty.
- Dr. Cuddy: [sighs] Men are stupid.
- Dr. House: I'm with you so far.
- Dr. Cuddy: I'm notifying security. [walks away }
- Dr. House: Oh give her a break, she is not dangerous, she is... insightful. [Cuddy enters a crowded conference room}
- Dr. House: YOU CAN'T STOP OUR LOVE!
- Dr. House: Listen to me. Do you have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed with me? Nine chances out of ten we'd end up in jail.
- Ali: You're only saying that to make me go.
- Dr. House: I'm saying it 'cause it's true. Inside of us we both know that you belong with Victor.
- [Ali looks confused]
- Dr. House: Is there a Victor in your class?
- [Ali shakes her head]
- Dr. House: If you're not with someone your own age, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
- Ali: What about us?
- Dr. House: We'll always have Fresno. I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. (Ali looks at House)
- Dr. House: Someday you'll understand that. (Ali starts to cry)
- Dr. House: Now now, here's looking at you, kid.
- Dr. House: [to Cameron, while high from anaesthesia] You have pretty hair.
- [House bursts into operating room]
- Dr. House: Hey! Don't touch his eye!
- Surgeon: This is an appendectomy.
- Dr. House: [taken aback but unable to admit his error] Like I said, don't touch his eye.
- [Dr. Wilson enters Dr. Cuddy's office with a book on his hands]
- Dr. Wilson: I'm going to read you something. "Asperger Syndrome is a mild and rare form of autism. It's typically characterized by difficulty establishing friendships and playing with peers, trouble accepting conventional social rules and they dislike any change in setting or routine." Or broadloom. It doesn't say that last part, but you get my point.
- Dr. Cuddy: House doesn't have Asperger's. The diagnosis is much simpler, he's a jerk.
- Dr. House: Your first tongue kiss, that's an 8 on the happiness scale. Your child being snatched back from the break of death, it's a 10. But they walk with a very mild 6.5 because they know what they come back to.
- Patient's Dad: Hey, listen... Thanks.
- Patient's Mom: You saved his life.
- Dr. House: Yeah. I know. See ya.
- [Autistic patient walks by, then comes back, stands in front of House and hands him his PSP. He then makes direct-eye contact with House for several seconds. Patient's parents congratulate him.]
- Patient's Dad: That was so cool.
- Dr. House: ...
- Dr. Wilson: [moved] That was a 10...
Fools for Love (3.05)
- Dr. House: You seen her here before?
- Dr. Cameron: A couple of times. I tried following her home, but she gave me the slip.
- Dr. House: If he's not hitting that, why is she here?
- Dr. Cameron: Because I'm hitting that, and it's totally hot.
- Dr. House: Infectious or environmental...all we have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or it's Internet porn related. I'll check the Internet, you guys get the rest of the stuff.
- Dr. House:There's a reason we don't let kids vote, or drink, or work in salt mines. They're idiots! Twenty year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often.
- Dr. House: Any of your shorties ever been whities?
- Dr. Foreman: Not sure I understand your ghetto slang, Dr. House. How many black women have you dated, by the way?
- Dr. House: I don't care about color, as long as they can help me breed a superior race.
- Dr. Foreman: My exes have usually been black, so what? Its not a racial thing, its cultural. I have more in common with them, like, I assume you [Dr. House] only date emotionally stunted bigots.
- Dr. Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
- Dr. House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.
- Dr. Wilson: Your real fear is me having a good relationship.
- Dr. House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.
- Dr. Chase: Cameron and Foreman are too ethical and I'm too scared of getting sued.
- Michael Tritter: I don't wanna sue you.
- Dr. House: Good.
- Michael Tritter: I want to beat the crap out of you.
- Dr. House: Less good.
- Dr. House: Dude. She's in a coma. Who are you trying to impress?
- Dr. Wilson: I didn't screw up! I did my job!
- Dr. House: Your job is to get me the biopsy!
- Dr. Wilson: No, it's to present the patient with his options.
- Dr. House: Two options: biopsy or no biopsy. He chose the third: no treatment! How'd you even do that!?
- Dr. Wilson: If this is more dating advice…
- Dr. House: Love to gossip, but I’ve got work to do. Is this sarcoidosis?
- Dr. Wilson: It’s pretty nonspecific. Could be granulomas, could be plaques. What’s this? Oh, oh, you stole Wendy’s personnel file?!
- Dr. House: In a way, aren’t we all guilty of bribing the janitor of taking the file and giving it to me? Yes, I take my share of the blame, but society’s also –
Que Sera Sera (3.06)
- Dr. Cameron: [about Tritter] Who's that?
- Dr. House: Apparently, Cuddy's widened her sperm donor search to include Neanderthals.
- Dr. Foreman: [speaks in disbelief] Cuddy's looking for a sperm donor?
- Dr. House: It was a joke. Like Cuddy would ever want a kid. Or a kid would ever want Cuddy. HELLO, that's why it's funny!
- Dr. House: [to Wilson, as they enter his car after he is bailed out of jail] Does Salma Hayek live in Mexico or Spain?
- Dr. House: Start treating Jabba for Pickwicken Syndrome. His 96 double Zs are probably putting pressure on his chest and suffocating him....what's normal for a hippopotamus...Lets see what Shamu's been up to besides eating. This conversation is over because I've officially run out of clever things to call the guy.
- Dr. House: Kids these days. Got no respect for other people's property.
- [A patient has pain in his arm after he has slept on top of it all night. House suggests surgery.]
- Patient: You want to remove my arm?
- Dr. House: Well, it is your left, but a guy has got to sleep.
- Patient: Are you insane?
- [Cameron and Foreman went to patient's house]
- House: What you find out?
- Cameron: That you and George have the same taste about home furnishing and women.
- House: Danish modern and Russian gymnasts?
- Cameron: Pianos and prostitutes.
- [About getting the patient on the MRI machine]
- Cameron: The weight limit is obviously just an estimation, its not like it can hold 450 pounds fine and it'll instantly collapse at 451.
- Chase: Its not one pound over, he's a 150 pounds over.
- Cameron: I don't care, he still deserves the same standard of care as anyone else.
- Foreman: And you believe the machine will stand on principle?
- George: You must be Dr. House.
- House: And you must be filled with bologna. Lot of it.
- George: Right! Fat Joke! Always fun, the only people you can still make fun of.
- House: And Christians. Oh! And black people.
- House: Lets see your stomach has deep seeded feelings of abandonment written all over it, which quints toward sexual abuse, though fear of hospitals points to a more specific traumatic event, so I'm gonna say: your mom, in a hospital with a candlestick, and by candlestick of course I mean inherited OTC deficiency.
- Dr. House: [To Wilson] It's probably her mom. I bet she's huge. She is from the Midwest. Since when do you eat beets?
- Dr. Foreman: [On George, the extremely obese patient] He wants to be discharged.
- Dr. House: Oh right, places to go, people to eat.
- Dr. Wilson: [About George] Selectively rational, stubborn, uncooperative. Maybe you should check his leg.
- Dr. House: [Guffaws] Did you see what he did there? The patient's like me! The patient's... three mes!
- Dr. House: You say "no way", I say… [long pause] Yeah, no way.
- Dr. Wilson: From what I hear the patient reminds her of you, not me.
- Dr. House: Cameron sees a clump of dirt and she thinks of me.
- Dr. Wilson: Or a lump of something else.
- Dr. House: Where's Chase?
- Dr. Cameron: Haven't seen him since you told him to sit on his ass yesterday.
- Dr. House: Interesting.
Son of a Coma Guy (3.07)
- Dr. Wilson: I'm curious..
- Dr. House: [interrupting] No, you're not!
- Dr. Cuddy: : Put down the syringe.
- Dr. House: : I can outdraw you, mysterious stranger.
- Dr. Wilson: Why steal my pad?
- Dr. House: [mockingly] Oh my God! You're right! I'm an addict, thanks for opening my eyes!
- Dr. Wilson: No, I mean why my pad. Foreman, Cameron, and Chase's pads are just as convenient, but their association with you is involuntary. They're employees. I associate with you through choice, and any relationship that involves choice, you have to see how far you can push before it breaks.
- Dr. House: This is easy. You ask the questions, answer them, and make tasty snacks!
- Dr. Wilson: And one day our friendship will break, and that will just prove your theory that relationships are conditional, and you don't need human connection or deserve it or whatever goes on in that rat-maze of your brain.
- Dr. House: [to patient] Sorry, if I had known he was going to be this annoying, I would have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad and Dr. Foreman's car. At least she appreciates my brooding melancholy.
- Dr. House: [cellphone rings, he answers] House's house of whining, state your complaint!
- Dr. House: [explaining why he became a doctor] When I was 14, my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock climbing with this kid from school. He fell and got injured, and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance, and passed this guy in the hall. He was a janitor. My friend came down with an infection, and the doctors didn't know what to do. So they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor. And a Buraku - one of Japan's untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, gravediggers. And this guy knew that he wasn't accepted by the staff, didn't even try. He didn't dress well. He didn't pretend to be one of them. People around that place didn't think he had anything they wanted, except when they needed him - because he was right, which meant that nothing else mattered. And they had to listen to him.
- Gabe: I wouldn't get to see him, even if we got in the car right now and broke the speed limit driving back, would I?
- Dr. House: No.
- Gabe: Tell him... [pauses, at a loss for words] I don't know what to tell him. I don't think it's my turn to ask a question, is it?
- Dr. House: I don't think so, you just asked me that thing about the speed limit. What do you want to know?
- Gabe: If you could hear one thing from your father, what would it be?
- Dr. House: It wouldn't help you.
- Gabe: Try me.
- Dr. House: I'd want him to say, "You were right. You did the right thing."
- Gabe: You were right. It didn't help.
- Dr. Wilson: I don't think my enabling is something you should be complaining about.
- Gabe: [whilst holding up an iPod to show to House and Wilson] What's this? It says ipp-odd.
- Dr. House: Quick! What's the kid's status? Gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the Orgasmatron.
- Gabe: You know what? I didn't let you come along so you could suck all the fun out of my one day of life.
- Dr. House: Well, you're out of luck, 'cause that's totally why I'm here.
- Dr. Wilson: If your son does have mercury poisoning, there's a good chance he'll respond to the chelation. You might be able to have a few minutes with him before you lapse...
- Gabe: [turns around, upset] Why are you so concerned about me?
- [Wilson gives up]
- Dr. House: Deep inside, Wilson believes if he cares enough, he'll never have to die.
- Dr. House: Wilson, get out.
- Dr. Wilson: I'm staying.
- Dr. House: You've lied enough to the cops for me.
- [Wilson looks hesitating]
- Dr. House: ... Maybe I don't want to push our friendship until it breaks.
- Dr. House: Only six left, by the way.
- Dr. Wilson: So sign my name. You don't need a doctor, you need a pen!
- Gabe: What is up with you two?
- Dr. House: Wilson lied to the bulls to keep me out of the big house.
- Dr. Wilson: Are you out of your mind?
- Dr. House: Well, who's he gonna tell? By tomorrow night he's gonna be a mindless stalk of celery.
Whac-A-Mole (3.08)
- Dr. Cameron: We're all playing his game; might as well enjoy it.
- Dr. Cuddy: You can't lift your arm.
- Dr. House: You can't pee standing up.
- Dr. Cameron: You okay?
- Dr. House: Hurt my shoulder playing fantasy football.
- Dr. House: He's teaching prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn't, and life sucks. I like him.
- Dr. House: [to Cuddy] Okay, fine. I'll father your child. But first you got to write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so that I can get through the foreplay.
- Dr. House: [to patient's little brother] Can I be your imaginary friend?
- Dr. Cameron: Nice cane.
- Dr. House: If I know what you mean.. [winks]
Finding Judas (3.09)
- Dr. Foreman: [to Chase] Maybe you want to wait untill House tells us his theory before you start kissing his theory's ass.
- Dr. Chase: I wasn't kissing his ass.
- Dr. Forman: It must've just looked that way from our angle; you on your knees... House bending over...
- [House has been "targeting" Dr. Cuddy with a laser pointer]
- Dr. Cuddy: I'm sitting in there hoping it's a sniper because at least then the sociopath isn't my employee.
- Dr. House: This baby won me second place in the clinic weekly "Weirdest Thing Pulled Out of an Orifice" contest.
- Dr. Cuddy: I am this close to putting a new lab in oncology.
- Dr. House: You do not want to know what came in first.
- Dr. Cuddy: House...
- Dr. House: Rhymes with "fucchini."
- Dr. House: But I hurt in an unreasonable way.
- Dr. Cuddy: Then dip into your secret stash.
- Dr. House: Tritter took it.
- Dr. Cuddy: Then move on to your secret, secret stash.
- Dr. House: I ran out.
- Dr. Cuddy: Then move on to your secret, secret, secret stash!
- Dr. Foreman: You hide drugs in a lupus textbook?
- Dr. House: It's never lupus.
- Dr. House: I am a complete stranger who apparently cares more about your child than you do.
- Edie: You're Dr. House.
- Dr. House: You've seen my stage show.
- Edie: You're the doctor, I'm the mother, I outrank you, live with it.
- [at the court]
- Judge: I've read the file. You've got fifteen minutes.
- Dr. House: It's people like this who killed Copernicus.
- Judge: Galileo.
- Dr. House: Either way.
- Judge: And they just locked Galileo up.
- Dr. House: They killed his spirit. Nobody likes a showoff. Luckily, Alice Hartmann has a dad who's willing to see reason.
- Judge: Reason as defined by slavishly deferring to you.
- Dr. House: Their doctor.
- Edie: Your Honor, I've had no opportunity to consult my attorney.
- Dr. House: There's no time.
- Edie: All I want is a second opinion before —
- Dr. House: No time!
- Judge: Your testimony is their child will die if I don't grant this motion right now.
- Dr. House: Am I under oath?
- Judge: Let's say yes.
- Dr. House: My testimony is that this child might die if you don't grant this motion right now.
- Judge: Literally no time for a second opinion.
- Dr. House: Wouldn't be as good as the first opinion.
- Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think?
- Dr. House: She's not a specialist in this area. Her opinion is worthless.
- Judge: Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House? Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?
- Dr. Cuddy: Bigger. But he knows what he's talking about.
- [House is back at the court]
- Dr. House: ... Luckily, Alice Hartmann has a mom who is willing to see reason.
- Judge: You were in here yesterday telling me her father's guardianship was best for her.
- Dr. House: I honestly figured I'd get a different judge today.
- Judge: You agree with Dr. House now.
- Edie: Now my kid actually is sick.
- Rob: She was sick yesterday.
- Edie: Her pediatrician doesn't know what's wrong with her, says Dr. House is the best.
- Rob: She loses guardianship. All of a sudden, House is a hero. It's got nothing to do with me deciding —
- Judge: Hey, zip it! I've heard enough.
- Dr. House: This lawyering thing is easy.
- Judge: You shut up too. Arguing over every decision is a waste of her time and mine. Since her parents can't or won't agree, I'm awarding temporary guardianship to a doctor who will place the health of the child above all else.
- Dr. Cuddy: I don't think Dr. House is capable —
- Judge: Dr. Cuddy.
- Dr. Cuddy: Yes, Your Honor?
- Judge: No, I was finishing my sentence. The kid's all yours.
- [Cuddy is in the shower with Alice in her arms, trying to cool her down. House opens the shower door]
- Dr. Cuddy: Look at her arm.
- [Cuddy shows House the patient's left arm covered with a red rash]
- Dr. House: I told you it was an infection.
- Dr. Cuddy: We fixed the infection.
- Dr. House: Well, apparently not. I asked you for broad-spectrum, you put her on the bare minimum. It's a good thing you failed to become a mom because you suck at it!! [leaves]
- Dr. Chase: Can we talk?
- Dr. House: Nope.
- Dr. Chase: I really think —
- Dr. House: [interrupting] Either you screwed me and you want absolution, or you didn't and you want applause. Either way I'm not interested.
- [Cuddy is sitting alone on the sofa with her back to the window. Wilson knocks on the door]
- Dr. Cuddy: Busy.
- [Wilson walks in anyway]
- Dr. Wilson: You okay?
- Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, sure.
- Dr. Wilson: Uh, what I meant by "are you okay?" is what the hell did House do?
- Dr. Cuddy: Nothing.
- Dr. Wilson: What did he say?
- Dr. Cuddy: I've seen House be rude a thousand times, usually to achieve something. I have never seen him be mean just because he can.
- Dr. Wilson: Seriously? What did he say?
- Dr. Cuddy: Nothing. Doesn't matter.
- [Wilson sits down]
- Dr. Wilson: Well, I've seen House be rude to you a thousand times, but I've never seen it get to you.
- Dr. Cuddy: People think House has no inner censor. But the fact is he holds himself back, because when he wants to hurt, he knows just where to poke a sharp stick. I have been trying to get pregnant, and House knew. He told me I would fail as a mother.
- Dr. Wilson: And you're this upset because you think he's right?
- Dr. Cuddy: I've had three separate implantations. The first two never took. The last one I lost.
- Dr. Wilson: I'm sorry. You didn't fail. Those where physical events.
- Dr. Cuddy: A little girl is... scared and in pain. I was awkward, terrified of doing the wrong thing.
- Dr. Wilson: That's normal. That's —
- Dr. Cuddy: [crying] I didn't hug her. I didn't even reach out and hold her hand. I told her it was gonna be okay.
- Dr. Wilson: She needed reassurance.
- Dr. Cuddy: I told her her folks might get back together. When I see people with their kids, it's so natural. It's like they have an instruction book imprinted on their genes. Maybe I just didn't get a copy. Maybe my wanting to be a mother is like a tone-deaf person wanting to sing opera or a paraplegic who wants to —
- Dr. Wilson: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, I see what you mean about House poking in the right spot.
- [Cuddy chuckles wryly]
- Dr. House: RIGHT! She's SIX! She's CUTE! She CAN'T have flesh-eating bacteria! It's just WRONG! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies! Cute kids die to terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail! It's because COWARDS like you won't stand up and do what's required! You can sit around and moan about who's the bigger weakling, and I'm gonna do my job.
- Dr. Cameron: Tritter released our bank accounts.
- Dr. House: Horrible, horrible news. Boy, I'm glad we didn't let that fester.
- Dr. Wilson: [to Det. Tritter]: I'm going to need 30 pieces of silver.
Merry Little Christmas (3.10)
- Det. Tritter: Merry Christmas.
- Dr. House [mutters]: And a Happy "Go to Hell."
- [walking into an examining room, where Dr. Cuddy is with two dwarves]
- Dr. House: I just need to borrow her for a tiny moment... small favor.
- Dr. House: Look, there's Jesus. Better go tell the Romans.
- Dr. Cameron: What are you gonna do?
- Dr. House: I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.
- [Dr. House is comparing Maddy to his cane]
- Maddy: I'm 4'1". That's 1.5 canes in metric.
- Dr. House: You don't look a day over 4 feet. I saw in the file that her Dad was normal-sized.
- Maddy: It's average-sized.
- Dr. House: Compared to you I'm sure it was huge. So did he have a fetish, or did he just fall in love with your long-legged soul?
- Maddy: He grew up in the circus. Said I reminded him of home. Seems like you're the one with the fetish.
- Dr. House: I'm certainly curious about the logistics. Did you stand on a table?
- Dr. Cameron: House!
- Maddy: Pretty much he'd lay flat, and spin me.
- Dr. House: She also hates Jews.
- Maddy: I've dealt with worse. Being different, you get used to people's idiocy. Still beats the hell out of actually being an idiot. What?
- Dr. House: Care to go for a spin?
- Dr. Foreman: We need to stop retracing our steps and get ahead of this thing.
- Dr. Wilson: House, you've tanned.
- Dr. House: Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues?
- Little Girl: Can I have a french fry?
- Dr. House: Get your own!
- Little Girl: You took the last ones.
- Dr. House: What's wrong with you?
- Little Girl: I got spinal muscular atrophy.
- Dr. House: At least it's not contagious...nice bear.
- Little Girl: It's a dog.
- Dr. Cuddy: House. It's not Still's. Steroids helped until the patient started bleeding from the ears and mouth.
- Dr. House: It's a bear.
- Little Girl: His name is Bill. He's a dog.
- Dr. Cuddy: You win [rattles bottle], you can have Vicodin.
- Dr. House: Words have set meanings for a reason. If you see an animal like Bill and you try to play fetch, Bill's going to eat you, because Bill's a bear.
- Dr. Cuddy: Are you on something? You got your hands on pain meds.
- Little Girl: Bill has fur, four legs, and a collar. He's a dog.
- Dr. Cuddy: It's between cancer and auto-immune.
- Dr. House: You see, that's what's called a faulty syllogism; just because you call Bill a dog doesn't mean that he is...[House gets an epiphany} a dog.
- Dr. Wilson: Why aren't you detoxing?
- Dr. House: [takes a pill] Willpower.
- Dr. Wilson: Wh... what?
- Dr. House: Normal's not normal, if you're not normal.
- Dr. Wilson: Did you just take a pill?
- Dr. House: No.
- Maddy: Are you high?
- Dr. House: Higher than you.
- Dr. House: You want her to be a freak.
- Maddy: We're not freaks!
- Dr. House: You want her to persevere, to over-come adversity...
- Maddy: Yes.
- Dr. House: Then why stop at height? Poke a stick in her eye! Think of how interesting she'll be then!
Words and Deeds (3.11)
- Dr. Cameron: House, I just heard that you apologized to Wilson.
- Dr. House: Detoxing. I didn't know what I was saying.
- [Cameron hugs him]
- Dr. House: Excuse me, I have to go to jail now.
- Dr. House: When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go.
- Dr. House: I told you never to call me when I'm on trial.
- Dr. House: If you called to see the design of my prison tats, they're still at R&D.
- Det. Tritter: Dr. Cuddy wouldn't get off the phone until I came up here and saw for myself.
- Dr. House: Well don't tell anyone but the photos of smiling people in the brochures, it's just marketing.
- Det. Tritter: Well you're obviously making an effort. So I guess all that's left is for me to go to the DA and drop all the charges.
- Dr. House: Which you have no plan what so ever of doing?
- Det. Tritter: No.
- Dr. House: So words mean nothing, actions mean nothing, what the hell is left?
- [Tritter shrugs his shoulders and walks away]
- Dr. House: [Yelling from across the room] You son of a bitch! [Tritter stops and turns around] What about your words, your actions. [House gets up and starts walking over to Tritter] "Gotta get House cleaned up, get him to show some humility", when it comes to actually doing something you prove that all you care about is bitch slapping a guy who refused to kiss your ass.
- Det. Tritter: You ever trust an addict? You ever give one the benefit of the doubt? How many times did it work out for you?
- Dr. House: Yeah yeah yeah, I get it, so you were screwed over by your mother, your wife, your partner, but you keep sending them Christmas cards while you take it out on everyone else.
- Det. Tritter: No more Christmas cards, no I learned. People like you, even your actions lie
- Dr. Wilson: [Seeing House eagerly consuming his medication] That's Vicodin. He's been slipping you Vicodin.
- Dr. House: No! He'd be risking his minimum wage job to do that.
- Dr. Wilson: The whole time? Nothing's changed?
- Dr. House: Nothing's changed.
- Dr. Wilson: [Walking away in disbelief and then turning back] The apology. You didn't need to do that to make this work.
- Dr. House: [Smiling] Believe what you want.
- Dr. House: Whoever came up with buprenorphine to wean off Vicodin should be shot, and then stabbed in the eye.
One Day, One Room (3.12)
- [House enters Cuddy's office]
- Dr. House: How can I help you this beautiful morning?
- Dr. Cuddy: You got any cases?
- Dr. House: Three. I got a teenage, African-American lung transplant –
- Dr. Cuddy: [interrupts] For the next few days you'll be doing nothing but clinic work.
- Dr. House: I just said--
- Dr. Cuddy: You're lying!
- Dr. House: Then why'd you ask?
- Dr. Cuddy: Because if you told the truth, I was only gonna give you one day of clinic duty.
- Dr. House: That's dishonest. I refuse to participate in this —
- Dr. Cuddy: [interrupts] You'll do it. You owe me. I kept you out of jail. I can put you back.
- [House turns and heads toward the door]
- Dr. House: Perjurer.
- Dr. Cuddy: Felon.
- [House leaves]
- Dr. House: [after looking up the patient's nose] It's beautiful! If my lawn was half as well maintained as that, pigeons wouldn't have the nerve to poop on it.
- Patient: Good grooming is important.
- Dr. House: Is that a shot?
- Patient: People do judge you on your appearance. When you entered, I noted your shirt hadn't been pressed and you hadn't shaved in quite some time. I extracted that you were a person for whom detail is not a major concern. I was worried you might apply the same standard in your work.
- Dr. House: You use toe-nail clippers up there?
- Patient: They're longer, so they allow me to better reach the upper hairs.
- Dr. House: I am wearing a rumpled shirt, and I forgot to brush my hair this week. You've got athlete's foot in your nose. I'm ready to be judged.
- Dr. House: Start counting.
- [The patient takes his pulse]
- Dr. House: How many?
- Patient: 26.
- Dr. House: Either you suck at math, or you're going to die in two seconds.
- [A moment passes, and nothing happens]
- Dr. House: You suck at math.
- Dr. House: How old are you?
- Patient: Thirty.
- Dr. House: And you've never seen an after school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?
- Patient: Oh, God, I-I have an STD.
- Dr. House: No, but you will. Every person with an STD has something in common: They got it while they had SWS; "sex while stupid."
- Doctor: He swallowed a magnet. We gotta cut it out.
- Dr. House: [to the kid] How old are you?
- Kid: Eight.
- Dr. House: And he swallowed something stuck to a fridge. Darwin says "let him die".
- Eve: Abortion is murder.
- Dr. House: True. It's a life and you should end it.
- Eve: Every life is sacred.
- Dr. House: Come on. Talk to me. Don't quote me bumper stickers.
- Eve: It's true.
- Dr. House: It's meaningless.
- Eve: It means that every life matters to God.
- Dr. House: Not to me. Not to you. Judging by the number of natural disasters, not to God either.
- Dr. House: We are selfish, base animals crawling across the earth, but 'cause we've got brains, if we try really hard, we can usually aspire to something that is less than pure evil.
- Dr. Wilson: She's waiting for your answer?
- Dr. House: She's asleep. ... I sedated her.
- Dr. Wilson: Why do you care what you say to her?
- Dr. House: Because! I don't know how to answer these questions!
- Dr. Wilson: It's a simple question. Has your life sucked? Tell her the truth. Tell her you were shot, tell her -
- Dr. House: She doesn't want to hear the truth. She's looking for something. Looking to extrapolate some -
- Dr. Wilson: She's looking to connect with you. And that's what's scaring the hell out of you. Tell her the truth.
- Dr. House: There is no truth.
- Dr. Wilson: ... Are we roleplaying? Am I you!? I don't want to be you!
- House: She's not asking for test results. She's not asking what two plus two equals. She's asking for my personal life experience so she can extrapolate to all humanity. That's not truth, it's bad science.
- Wilson: It's not science at all. Tell her the truth.
- [Scene changes]
- Cameron: Tell her your life has been good.
- House: It hasn't been.
- Cameron: Tell her anyway. She wants hope. She wants to know that what happened to her wasn't the norm. That things can be okay, which means things can be okay for her again.
- [Scene changes]
- Foreman: Tell her your life sucked.
- House: It didn't.
- Foreman: Tell her anyway. She wants to know she's not alone. She wants to know that she can survive this, that other people have been through this and worse and come out the other end. She wants to know she's going to heal. Act like…you've healed.
- [Scene changes]
- Chase: Tell her…keep her asleep.
- House: Thanks. You've all been a huge help.
- Dr. House: They're out there, doctors, lawyers, postal workers, some of them doing great, some of them doing lousy. Are you going to base your whole life on who you're stuck in a room with?
- Eve: I'm gonna base this moment on who I am stuck in a room with! That's what life is, it's a series of rooms, and who we get stuck in those rooms with, adds up to what our lives are.
- Dr. House [to several patients during clinic hours]: You've never seen an after school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?
- Dr. House: If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down.
- Dr.House: If we talk about nothing, nothing will change.
- Patient: It might.
- Dr. House: How?
- Patient: Time. Time changes everything.
- Dr. House: That's what people say. It's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were.
- Pharmacist: I have the sedative.
- Dr. Cuddy: A little late.
- Dr. House: Just in time.
- Dr. Cuddy: What did you give him?
- Dr. House: Paralytic.
- Dr. Cuddy: Why would you do that?!
- Dr. House: Somebody had to stop the screaming.
- Dr. Cuddy: Then he is still in pain.
- Dr. House: Yeah, but quietly.
- Dr. House: Why did you choose me?
- Eve: There's something about you. It's like you're hurt too...
- Dr. House: People can do good things but their instincts are not good.
Needle in a Haystack (3.13)
- Dr. House: [sitting in a wheelchair] My will may be weak, but my backbone is strong. And pain-free, now that I've stopped using the cane. Of course it's harder to look down Cuddy's shirt, but then the vantage point on her ass has much improved. But that's just me: Always looking on the bright side. I'm the guy who said her C-cups are half-full.
- Dr. Julie Whitner: They are nice, aren't they?
- [House slowly starts to grin]
- Dr. House: No, no, no, no, no... you're not gonna win me over that easily.
- Dr. House: The only thing I hate more than a thief is a crippled thief.
- Dr. Chase [About Stevie, the patient]: Kind of. He’s Romany. Apparently they feel the need to keep secrets so it’s hard to know anything for sure.
- Dr. House: Yeah. He’s also a human being. Which means you shouldn’t be trusting him to begin with. Stop relying on his answers and find some on your own.
- Dr. Wilson: Ah yes, if it isn’t Dr. Ironside.
- Dr. House: Ah, if it isn’t Dr. “I had no friends when I was growing up, so all I did was watch TV by myself which is why I can now make constant pop cultural references which no one understands but me.”
- Dr. Wilson: That’s my name, don’t wear it out.
- Dr. Foreman: His liver's actually improving. We plug one hole and end up poking another.
- Dr. House: Are we talking about the patient, or how to get a raise from Cuddy?
Insensitive (3.14)
- Dr. House: Foreman. Your girlfriend wants to know if you're available for Valentine's. Act surprised. What are you doing down here?
- Dr. Foreman: There's a snowstorm. ER's short staffed. We're all supposed to be here. You're supposed to be here. And you're an ass. Act surprised.
- Dr. House: What's your name?
- Hannah: Hannah Morganthal.
- Dr. House: You have CIPA, Hannah Morganthal.
- Hannah: No, I don't.
- Dr. House: We have to do x-rays to make sure you don't have internal injuries. Blood tests to make sure no infections. EEG for neurological anomalies. And... biopsy a spinal nerve.
- Dr. Foreman: Whoa whoa whoa. Congenital insensitivity to pain is one of the rarest conditions on the planet. There's only been about... sixty documented cases —
- Dr. House: Yeah, and I have... seven reasons to think she's one of them.
- Dr. Foreman: She says she's not.
- Dr. House: That's reason number one. She knew what it was without us telling her. Two, she's still wet from the snow, but she's not shivering. That's odd. Unless she can't sweat or feel hot and cold.
- Hannah: The ambulance was warm. I want to see my mother.
- Dr. House: Three, scarring around the lips and tongue. When she was a baby, she would chew on herself without feeling it.
- Hannah: I fell through a window when I was a kid.
- Dr. House: Four, when you cleaned the wound, she flexed into the cleaner instead of away from it. It's hard to fake pain when you've never felt it. Takes an imaginative leap, Ms. Morganthal. That's one of them Jew names. Ashkenazis are a higher risk group.
- Dr. Foreman: One the other hand, she says she doesn't have it. And she'd be dead by now if she'd never been diagnosed.
- Dr. House: They killed our Lord. You gonna trust them? She wants to see her mom. If she admits having CIPA, she knows we're not letting her go anywhere without a battery of tests.
- Dr. Foreman: You said you had seven reasons.
- Dr. House: I pulled a number out of the air. What, five isn't enough?
- Dr. Foreman: Five lame reasons aren't. [turns away] I'm taking her to see her mom as soon as —
- [House suddenly hits Hannah's good leg with his cane, but Hannah doesn't move]
- Dr. House: I can hit her again if six isn't enough.
- Dr. House: [to Cuddy] You could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation.
- Hannah: I wanna see my mother!
- Dr. House: Hi again. Not sure I can say this without sounding condescending, but then you'd get the false impression that I respect you, so... you're a kid. You're scared, you're stalling. Grow up.
- Hannah: I'm not scared. I'm never scared.
- Dr. House: See? How juvenile was that? You can't feel pain - nothing left but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is!
- Hannah: It sucks.
- Dr. House: Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair!
- [Hannah stays on the floor, House gets a syringe]
- Hannah: Every morning I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep.
- Dr. House: Oh god, stop! I'm in a pool of tears here.
- Hannah: I can't cry.
- Dr. House: Neither can I. Every morning I check my eyes for jaundice to see if the Vicodin finally shot my liver.
- Hannah: I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.
- Dr. House: I can't run.
- Hannah: Boys can't hold me for too long because I can overheat.
- Dr. House: Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.
- Hannah: I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. Do you know how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that?
- Dr. House: Bathroom's 50 feet from my office. For every drink of water I weigh the pros and cons.
- Hannah: After everything I do, I self-check: Mouth, tongue, gums for cuts, count teeth, check temperature, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises...
- Dr. House: I got shot.
- [Hannah pauses, Cameron and Chase exchange looks]
- Hannah: I sat on a stove when I was three. Wanna see the coil marks?
- Dr. House: Yeah.
- Hannah: Do you think I'm lying?
- Dr. House: Do you think I just wanna check out your tucus, as your people would say?
- [Hannah gets up and lifts her gown, House gives her an injection, she becomes unconscious]
- Dr. House: Put her in the chair and run the damn test. If she moves again, give her nitrous.
- [House turns to leave, but Cameron intercepts him]
- Dr. Cameron: You weren't shot because of leg pain, you were shot because you're a jerk!
- Dr. House: Some think the two are connected.
- Dr. Foreman: Any word from House?
- Dr. Cameron: No.
- Dr. Foreman: Maybe Cuddy will say no.
- Dr. Chase: Cuddy never says no.
- Dr. Cameron: That's not true.
- Dr. Chase: Nobody ever says no - we don't say no!
- Dr. Foreman: You don't say no.
- Dr. Chase: He'll come back, he'll browbeat us, he'll give us seven reasons and eventually we'll fold. We all will. Not just me.
- Dr. Wilson: I am so tired of this. Did you know that the new nurse from Cardiology is sleeping with that weird lawyer from the Board?
- Dr. House: The guy with eleven fingers?
- Dr. Wilson: He has eleven fingers?
- Dr. House: How do you not notice that?
- Dr. Wilson: The nurse used to be a man.
- Dr. House: She's not anymore?
- Dr. Wilson: But we can't talk about that.
- Dr. House: I thought we were.
- Dr. Wilson: We were supposed to talk about that. I came here to talk about that. But on the way up, I ran into Cameron. You've got a CIPA patient.
- Dr. House: Mmm. Tranny nurse is more interesting.
- Dr. Wilson: Oh, it's way more interesting. But instead, I've gotta be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience.
- Dr. House: No one enjoys...
- Dr. Wilson: You're studying her.
- Dr. House: She's actually sick.
- Dr. Wilson: Which you found out after you took her on.
- Dr. House: I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous.
- Dr. Wilson: I don't think that metaphor was actually designed to warn cats.
- [Dr. Foreman runs into Dr. House's office]
- Dr. House: What did the test results say?
- Dr. Foreman: Never did it.
- Dr. House: Well then do it.
- Dr. Foreman: Can't.
- Dr. House: Why?
- Dr. Foreman: She's gonna jump off the lobby balcony!
- Dr. House: Do you think I can catch her?
- [Foreman looks shocked]
- [House knocks on Cuddy's front door after she's been on a date]
- Dr. Cuddy: No...
- Dr. House: Need a consult.
- Dr. Cuddy: I already okayed your nerve biopsy.
- Dr. House: Need an endocrinologist.
- Dr. Cuddy: Bennett's on call.
- Dr. House: Won't pick up. His cell phone must be broken.
- Dr. Cuddy: Mine's working.
- Dr. House: Had to give you the file.
- [He gives her the file. She looks at it]
- Dr. Cuddy: I assume you're thinking thyroid storm. Have you done a hormone panel?
- Dr. House: Normal. TSH was on the low side. Is that a cheery fire I hear crackling nearby?
- Dr. Cuddy: No. What about CPK enzymes?
- Dr. House: Elevated. 275. People light fires for themselves. But then they don't deny it. He's here.
- Dr. Cuddy: CPK isn't high enough. Potassium's what you'd expect because of the bronchodilators.
- Dr. House: Oh, my God! You're not wearing a bra.
- Dr. Cuddy: It's not thyroid storm.
- Dr. House: You just met him.
- Dr. Cuddy: I like him. And I like sex. Do I need to stitch a letter on my tops?
- Dr. House: No. But it might be worth taking out an ad in the local papers.
- [Cuddy glances back inside the house, then takes a step outside]
- Dr. Cuddy: Do you like me, House? [pause] I was on the phone with Bennett fifteen minutes ago. His cell phone's working. Your MO is to avoid me at all costs. And suddenly, you need my input on every move you make. I can only assume it's because I'm on a date.
- Dr. House: When we met, I noticed-
- Dr. Cuddy: [interrupts] You noticed he was a Shriner because the way he parted his hair. You noticed he was a mama's boy because of the way he blinked his left eye. I'm not interested. I'm not impressed. There are only two reasons anyone would want to screw with me tonight. Either they're an altruistic, decent person who is worried about my well being... or they want me for themself.
- Dr. House: You left out the third option. Evil bastard who just wants to mess with other people's happiness.
- [Cuddy smiles]
- Dr. Cuddy: Good night, House.
- [she closes the door]
- Dr. Foreman: [to Cameron] People who avoid commitment are people who know what a big thing it is.
- Cuddy: [to her date after speaking to House outside her door] You heard the conversation. But I’m not interested in him.
- Cuddy's date: I don’t blame you.
- Cuddy: I only said those things [typical insults and comments House would make, and how Cuddy is okay with all of it ] so he wouldn’t come back.
- Cuddy's date: I don’t really care about my job. I do it well. I provide a service. But my goal was always to make enough money to do the things I really like. Music. Travel.
- Cuddy:I like those things, too!
- Cuddy's date:You like them but they’re not really important to you. I don’t know whether it’s House, your job or if you just thrive on conflict but…you should hear yourself when you’re talking to him. Nothing else in the world’s going on. You’re focused, confident, compelling. Don’t… don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d like to go out with that woman.
- Cuddy: I can get her on the phone.
- [continuation of an earlier conversation]
- Dr. House: So it turns out... the weird lawyer... knew that she used to be a man.
- Dr. Wilson: And he's cool with that?
- Dr. House: Turns out that his previous girlfriend also used to be a man.
- Dr. Wilson: Ho-ho!
- Dr. House: Yeah.
- Dr. Cameron: So I’m thinking we should have sex.
- Dr. Chase: [confused] That makes sense.
- Dr. Cameron: Despite the wisdom of pop songs there’s no point in putting our lives on hold until love comes along. We’re both healthy and busy people, and we work together so it's convenient.
- Dr. Chase: Like microwave pizza?
- Dr. Cameron: And of all the people I work with you’re the one I’m least likely to fall in love with.
- Dr. Chase: Like microwave pizza.
- Dr. Cameron: The point here is to make things simpler, not more complicated. Some day there’ll be a time to get serious about someone. Meanwhile, we’ve already had sex once and didn’t get weird about it, so…
- Dr. Chase: I get it, I get it. So, what if I’m offended by your judgment?
- Dr. Cameron: Then you’re not the man I’m looking for.
- [Cameron walks away. Chase shakes his head, then follows her, grinning]
Half Wit (3.15)
- Dr. House: [to Cameron and Chase] You two shower together?
- Dr. Cameron/Dr. Chase: [together] No!
- Dr. House: Double negative - it's a yes.
- [Patrick is a musical savant and is currently in an MRI. House is trying to get his mind to work the way it does when he plays piano so he can observe the activity in it.]
- Dr. House: Patrick, I want you to pretend that your leg is a piano.
- Patrick: My leg's not a piano.
- Dr. House: I know, that's why I said pretend. [aside to Foreman] Kid's a moron!
- [Cameron walks in House's office with an envelope on her hand]
- Dr. House: You come for my feelings? 'Cause I left them in my other pants.
- [Cameron takes the paper out of the envelope and holds it out]
- Dr. Cameron: This is a letter of recommendation. I'm applying for a job at Penn.
- Dr. House: Thank you for writing your own. I'm sure my thoughts are beautifully phrased.
- [House signs the letter]
- Dr. Cameron: Thank you for signing it. Saves me having to fake your signature.
- [he gives the letter back to her and sits back in his chair as she puts the letter back in the envelope]
- Dr. House: Stay away from Weiss. He cries with his patients. Holds their hands as they die. He won't like you. Your newfound nonchalance in the face of cancer.
- [Cameron stops and looks at House]
- Dr. Cameron: I thought you'd find it appealing.
- Dr. House: Twenty seconds. Pretty good.
- Dr. Cameron: For what?
- Dr. House: Time it took you to go from hard-ass to human being.
- [House gets up]
- Dr. House: You really wanna leave?
- Dr. Cameron: If you're not here, there's not much point in staying.
- Dr. House: I'm not dead yet.
- [Cameron steps closer to House]
- Dr. House: What are you doing?
- [she gets up close to him]
- Dr. House: I know this must be a turn-on for you.
- [Cameron kisses him. House rolls his eyes, then he kisses her back. She puts her hand in her pocket. House notices, and grabs her arm, pulling her hand from her pocket, revealing a syringe she had been concealing.]
- Dr. House: Little whorish to kiss and stab.
- Dr. Cameron: You kissed back.
- Dr. House: I didn't want you to die without knowing the feeling. Actually, no woman should die without knowing the feeling.
- Dr. House:[After Cameron, as she starts to leave] If you need a sperm sample, come back without the needle.
- Dr. House: Dude can't button his shirt. How much more damage we're really talking about?
- Dr. House: Do you like your life?
- Patrick: What life?
- Dr. House: Your life. Playing the piano, going on tour. Scoring girls left and right.
- Patrick: I don't like girls.
- Dr. House: Boys. Whatever gets you off.
- Patrick: [with an excited look] I like the piano!
- [Chase walks in House's office]
- Dr. House: Your turn?
- Dr. Chase: Do you have to do that?
- Dr. House: You mean cheapen everyone's attempt at a human moment by identifying the real calculations that go into it?
- Dr. Chase: Yeah.
- Dr. House: Yeah, I do.
- Dr. Chase: I'm sorry you're dying. I'm gonna hug you. Anything to say?
- Dr. House: Well, if you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything —
- [Chase hugs House]
- Dr. House: — you can't finish. [pause] Well, as long as we're just standing here, do you mind if we work? How's the kid's treatment going?
- [Chase is quiet]
- Dr. House: Are you crying?
- Dr. Chase: No.
- Dr. Cuddy: I'm so sorry.
- Dr. House: Forgot I was dying, huh?
- Dr. Cuddy: I'm here if you need me.
- Dr. House: I need you.
- [Cuddy smiles and hugs him, and House takes the opportunity and puts his hands on her ass]
- Dr. House: One small feel for man... one giant ass for mankind.
- Dr. Cuddy: Thanks. Good luck in Boston.
- [Cuddy turns and heads back to her bedroom. House starts to follow her]
- Dr. Cuddy: [not turning to look at House] Call the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
- [he turns around and heads for the door]
- Dr. Foreman: [to House] We just told you you're not going to die! You should be making out with Cameron!
- Dr. House: It was an outpatient procedure. I was curious.
- Dr. Wilson: Are you curious about heroin?
- Dr. House: Not since last year's Christmas party...whooof!
Top Secret (3.16)
- Dr. House: I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear - or any other orifice for that matter - and given the right circumstances bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy.
- Dr. Wilson: The right circumstances being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.
- Dr. Wilson: I'm guessing you're longing for either a renewed relationship with your dad... or a new relationship with one of the Village People.
- Dr. House: He was in the Navy, not the Marines.
- Dr. Wilson: I thought your dad was in the Marines.
- Dr. House: The guy in the Village People.
- Dr. Wilson: Actually, he's only in the Navy when they sing "In the Navy". The rest of the time, he's just in generic fatigues.
- [House looks at him]
- Dr. Wilson: What? You brought it up.
- Dr. Cameron: Why is he here instead of the VA?
- Dr. House: Because he has a rich uncle Cuddy's trying to avoid fellating who doesn't buy the VA's diagnosis of "nothing's wrong-atosis."
- Dr. House: Do a full physical. Recheck his blood for HIV, hep C, malaria, schistosomiasis, and T strain A. baumannii just to make sure the VA's dotted their I’s. And find out every hospital and clinic he's ever visited, every city he's ever lived in, and... whether he's ever been on TV.
- Dr. Cameron: TV?
- Dr. House: Problem could be neurological. Everyone knows TV rots your brain.
- Dr. House: ...And you [he points to Cameron] call [the patient's] uncle back. Find out if he ever brought his nephew to any hospital parties or fundraisers.
- Dr. Cameron: No. Not until you give me a reason.
- Dr. House: Because... I'm your boss?
- Dr. Cameron: A rational reason, or at least admit that you don't have one.
- Dr. House: I've got a full bladder, and I'm not afraid to use it.
- Dr. Cameron: But you are apparently afraid of discovering something you can't rationally explain--
- Dr. House: [Snapping] Shut up! [Cameron looks shocked] Do what you're told! Cuddy and Wilson may not have to listen to me, but you do. [He leaves the room]
- Dr. Cameron: [to Chase] What the hell was that all about?
- Dr. Chase: You were wrong about the "nothing's wrong-atosis". You can fake fatigue and joint pain but you can't fake bacterial vaginosis in your mouth.
- Dr. House: Get to the truth about who he's been dating. There's no way a Marine goes a year without getting any blood on his bayonette.
- Dr. Cameron: We confess. You caught us. We snuck into one of the sleep lab rooms to have sex. We shouldn't have done it while we were supposed to be working, and we're sorry. Now can we move on?
- [Foreman laughs]
- Dr. Foreman: House'll do Wilson before you'd do Chase.
- Dr. Cameron: No, you would do House and Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work?
- Dr. Chase: She did me once!
- Dr. Foreman: She was stoned!
- Dr. House: I need a prescription.
- Dr. Wilson: I just wrote you a prescription.
- Dr. House: For Vicodin. I need alfuzosin.
- Dr. Wilson: No, you don't. Have you figured out where you met your Marine?
- Dr. House: What? Oh, that. Haven't really thought about it. I can't pee.
- Dr. Wilson: You can't remember him, can you?
- Dr. House: I can't pee.
- Dr. Wilson: So stop taking the Vicodin.
- Dr. House: I wanna pee and not be in pain.
- Dr. Wilson: Why don't you go to sleep?
- Dr. House: I don't pee when I'm asleep.
- Dr. Wilson: Maybe you'll dream about him again. Maybe he'll give you an address.
- Dr. House: I haven't peed in three days.
- Dr. Wilson: [ignoring] I read that REM sleep is the brain's way of working out problems.
- Dr. House: Very useful. Did you hear what I just said?
- Dr. Wilson: Yeah, you lied because you want to avoid talking about your obsession.
- Dr. House: I'm not obsessing.
- Dr. Wilson: Why don't you just ask him?
- Dr. House: [shouts] I haven't peed in three days!
- Dr. Wilson: You'd be dead.
- Dr. House: I'm not counting intermittent drips.
- Dr. Wilson: You'd be in agony.
- Dr. House: I passed agony yesterday around four.
- [House takes more Vicodin pills; Wilson sighs and writes a prescription for House]
- Dr. House: [to a deaf patient in critical situation] John, John! We are going to figure out what is wrong with you. First we need to know one thing: Have you ever appeared in any pornos?
- Dr. House: [while urine is spilling onto the floor out of a bag attached to House's leg] It's a urine catheter collection bag with a rip in it, what the hell does it look like?
- Dr. House: I've been thinking about you. You lied.
- Dr. Cuddy: I didn't lie. I simply chose not to share completely irrelevant facts.
- Dr. House: Like the fact that you lied. No wonder I couldn't place his face. You were practically swallowing it on the dance floor.
- Dr. Cuddy: I was not.
- Dr. House: Talk about the cool uncle. He donates the money, and the nephew gets the write-off. And, of course, by write-off, I mean he gets to put your ankles —
- [Cuddy taps him on his chest]
- Dr. Cuddy: [interrupting] This is exactly why I didn't mention our one date over two years ago.
- Dr. House: Because of my T-shirt.
- [she pulls House to the side]
- Dr. Cuddy: Because you are an obnoxious ass. Because you would have spent the whole time —
- Dr. House: That's very smart. 'Cause this way, I spent my whole time completely focused on the patient.
- Dr. Cuddy: How did you even remember him? We were only at that party for, like, ten minutes.
- Dr. House: Is this some new health plan? You service the Dean of Medicine, and you get free health care for a year?
- [Cuddy smiles]
- Dr. House: Why are you smiling?
- Dr. Cuddy: You remembered him because he made out with me.
- Dr. House: I'm good with faces. So, this plan, is it open to anyone? Is there a co-pay?
- Dr. Cuddy: You're lousy with faces.
- Dr. House: Don't make this about me. This is your humiliation. So how much for private room coverage?
- Dr. Cuddy: Get over me.
- Dr. House: Give me a break! You hired me —
- Dr. Cuddy: — 'cause you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank so I got you cheap.
- Dr. House: You gave me everything I asked for because one night I gave you everything y —
- Dr. Cuddy: Stop staring at my ass when I'm not looking, showing up at restaurants where I happen to be on a date and fantasizing about me in the shower. That ship sailed long ago, House. Get over it. [turns around and walks away]
- Dr. House: If you're still referring to your ass, I think "that super-tanker sailed" would be a more precise metaphor.
- [Cuddy turns back at House and laughs, while he smiles conspicuously and retreats back into his office]
- [Chase and Cameron are making out in the supply room as the door opens and House turns the lights on, carrying some file folders. He looks around, then walks right between them]
- Dr. House: Sorry. I was looking for an extra-large trash can.
- [he dumps the file folders in the trash bin, turns and leaves the closet, closing the door behind him]
- Dr. Chase: Since when does he clean anything up?
Fetal Position (3.17)
- Dr. House: Mom's body is like…the intricate German metro system. All the trains run on time. She gets pregnant, it's like…a new station opening in Düsseldorf. A bunch of rookies running things. Bound to be mistakes. Kids play on the tracks and get electrocuted, and before you know it, trains are backed up all the way to Berlin and you got a bunch of angry Germans with nowhere to go. And we all know that ain't good for the Jews…
- Dr. Chase: Ah…who are the Jews in this metaphor?
- Dr. Cameron: I've read the outcome of mirror syndrome is almost always unfavorable.
- Dr. House: Unfavorable... is that doctor-speak for "dead baby"?
- Dr. Cuddy: You want to paralyze Emma Sloan's baby?
- Dr. House: Lemme guess...Cameron.
- Dr. Cuddy: Cameron and Chase both had their concerns.
- Dr. House: No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all-access pass to her love rug.
- Dr. Cuddy: They're sleeping together?
- Dr. House: If by sleeping together you mean having sex in the janitor's closet...
- Dr. Cuddy: Here?
- Dr. House: No, the janitor's closet at the local high school. Go Tigercats! Do you have one of those camera phones? 'Cause I got a MySpace account.
- Dr. Cuddy: I will deal with them after I deal with you.
- Dr. House: Oh c'mon... let's gossip some more. I'm sure she's into bondage.
- [Foreman, Cameron, and Chase are examining a photo of House taken by Emma]
- Dr. Foreman: This is definitely different.
- Dr. Chase: It looks almost like...
- Dr. Cameron: ...he's caring.
- [House is about to inject a fetus with a paralytic]
- Dr. Cuddy: The baby won't feel a thing.
- Dr. House: Fetus. I'm lowering expectations. It works here and on dates.
- Dr. Cuddy: Dr. Cameron. Dating Chase... can only end in one of two ways.
- Dr. Cameron: House told you?
- Dr. Cuddy: You get married and live happily ever after, or somebody gets hurt and you two can't work together, and I have to fire somebody.
- Dr. Cameron: I would hate to see my personal life become such a burden to you.
- Dr. Cuddy: I'm telling you this for your own good.
- Dr. Cameron: Well, I assume you're gonna have this same conversation with Chase for his own good.
- Dr. Cuddy: Chase isn't the one that's gonna get hurt here.
- Dr. Cameron: [through the hyperbaric chamber's phone] My social life is my social life.
- Dr. House: Couldn't agree more. What goes on in the privacy of a janitor's closet is nobody's business except —
- Dr. Cameron: [Cuddy] told me to end it. Is that what you want?
- Dr. House: I was actually hoping she'd fire one of you.
- Dr. Cuddy: What are you doing?
- Dr. House: Well, you're trying to be me, so I thought I'd try to be you.
- Dr. Cuddy: You don't have the cleavage for it.
- Dr. House: But I have a much tighter ass.
- Dr. Cameron: Anybody gonna stop [Cuddy]?
- Dr. Chase: Stopping the madness is her job.
- Dr. Foreman: Somebody's gotta be Cuddy's Cuddy.
- Dr. Cuddy: Did you give corticosteroids to speed the baby's lung development?
- Dr. House: No, I dropped an anvil on its chest to prevent lung development! I'm trying to extinguish the human race one fetus at a time.
- [a fetus' hand grabs House's finger and he stares at it]
- Dr. Cuddy: House.
- [House looks at Cuddy]
- Dr. House: Sorry. I just realized I forgot to TiVo "Alien".
Airborne (3.18)
- Crying girl: I want my blankie! I want my blankie! I want my blankie! I want my blankie!
- Dr. House [on a wheelchair] Antique vintner's cane. It cost me $900.
- Dr. Cuddy: It had a corkscrew in it.
- Dr. House: Ah, that would explain the "vintner's" reference.
- Dr. Cuddy: Could be used as a weapon against the pilot.
- Dr. House: Only if you stuck it in a bottle of Zinfandel.
- Dr. Cuddy: You'll get it back when we land.
- Crying girl: I want my blankie! I want my blankie!
- Dr. House: [to the mother] Give her 20 milligrams of diphenhydramine, it could save her life. 'Cause if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her.
- Dr. Cuddy: The room service thing was just spiteful.
- Dr. House: I was hungry.
- Dr. Cuddy: $300 for a bottle of wine.
- Dr. House: I was thirsty.
- Dr. Cuddy: $120 on video services.
- Dr. House: I was lonely.
- Dr. Cuddy: That's $500 in expenses I can't justify.
- Dr. House: Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
- Dr. Cuddy: Right.
- [they arrive at the first class cabin of the plane, where House gives his ticket to a stewardess]
- Stewardess: Welcome aboard, Mr. House, you're right here in 2A.
- [House sits on his place, while the stewardess checks Cuddy's ticket]
- Stewardess: Ms. Cuddy, you're in the next cabin and to the left, 9C.
- Dr. Cuddy: No, I booked two first-class tickets. This must be a mistake.
- Dr. House: No mistake. Just arranged for a $500 fare reduction. Expense problem solved.
- [Cuddy sighs and goes to the next cabin]
- [House is simulating the conditions back at the hospital to help him make a diagnosis]
- Dr. House: [pointing at boy] Can you say... [Australian accent] 'Crikey, mate'?
- Kid: [Confused but playing along] Crikey, mate.
- Dr. House: Perfect. No matter what I say, you agree with me, okay?
- Kid: Okay...
- Dr. House: Nicely done... You, disagree with everything I say.
- Indian man: Sorry, not understanding.
- Dr. House: That's close enough. And you, get morally outraged with everything I say.
- Woman: [disgusted] That's permanent marker, you know.
- Dr. House: Wow, you guys are good.
- Dr. House: Nobody speak Korean on this flight?
- Dr. Cuddy: I assumed you did.
- Dr. House: I know how to ask if his sister is over eighteen, I don't think that's gonna help.
- Dr. House: You're pregnant.
- Girl: I'm what?
- Dr. House: Explains the nausea, abdominal pains, fever. And why you're stuffing your 36C's into a 34B bra.
- Dr. Cuddy: And her rash?
- Dr. House: PUPPPs. A common pregnancy rash.
- Girl: I can't be pregnant.
- Dr. House: You a virgin?
- Girl: No, but—
- Dr. House: You're pregnant. Mazel Tov.
- Dr. House: Happens often in high anxiety situation, especially to women. I know it sounds sexist, but science says you’re weak and soft. What can I do?
- Dr. Cuddy: What about syphilis?
- Dr. House: Well, first of all, he apparently speaks a language that no one else speaks, which makes talking up the ladies a little rough.
- Dr. Cuddy: We're flying out of Singapore. If he had a credit card and a condom, he could get anything he wants!
- Woman: Ew.
- Dr. Cameron: Nice catch.
- Dr. Chase: Thanks.
- Dr. Cameron: Think even House would be impressed.
- Dr. Chase: I don't know about that.
- Dr. Cameron: Any idea how you want to celebrate?
- [She smiles at him, however he doesn't smile back]
- Dr. Cameron: What?
- Dr. Chase: I want more.
- Dr. Cameron: I thought you were getting a little worn out, but—
- Dr. Chase: That's not what I meant.
- Dr. Cameron: I know. I was just hoping you'd take the hint and pretend you never said that.
- Dr. Chase: I want this to be more than it is.
- Dr. Cameron: I thought we were clear.
- Dr. Chase: In the beginning, but you can't tell me you—
- Dr. Cameron: [Interrupting] Yes, I can. And I don't. It was... fun. That's it. And now it's over.
- Cuddy: House, if you don't know how to diagnose an illness, it really doesn't help to gather a bunch of people who don't know how to diagnose the illness.
- House: It does on Wikipedia.
Act Your Age (3.19)
- Dr. House: Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?
- Dr. House: Do you want the tickets or not?
- Dr. Wilson: Why don't you want to go with me?
- Dr. House: It's a play. Dudes only go to plays if they're dragged by women they're hoping to see naked.
- Dr. Wilson: So why are you giving them to me?
- Dr. House: Maybe there's someone you want to see naked.
- Dr. House: You're trying to have sex with Cuddy.
- Dr. Wilson: [eating] ...Fries?
- Dr. House: You took her to a play; you only take women to plays because...
- Dr. Wilson: No, you only take women to plays for that reason.
- Dr. House: Okay, then why did you take her to a play?
- Dr. Wilson: She's a friend.
- Dr. House: A friend with a squish-mitten.
- Dr. Wilson: It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without...
- Dr. House: Blasphemer! She's not a friend of the opposite sex, she's a different species; she's an administrator, she's gonna eat your head after she's done.
- Dr. Wilson: Yes, I slept with her.
- Dr. House: [Mouth open in disbelief] Seriously?
- Dr. Wilson: No.
- Dr. House: [Trying to catch Wilson lying] Yes you did.
- Dr. Wilson: [Quietly] Yes, I did.
- Dr. House: Seriously?
- Dr. Wilson: No. You've got a problem, House.
- Dr. House: Never is just 'reven' spelled backwards.
- Dr. House: [to a patient with shy bladder syndrome] I'm going to ask you for some blood.
- Male Patient: Why?!
- Dr. House: To see if your answer will be "I can't bleed in public."
- Dr. Cuddy: [after Wilson received flowers with a card seemingly signed by Dr. Cuddy] What's up with Wilson?
- Dr. House: He's just a little freaked.
- Dr. Cuddy: Why?
- Dr. House: I sent him flowers.
- Dr. House: [to a little girl in a daycare] Do you have hair on your special place?
- Dr. House: Guy gets a little something-something. Couple of kids have to die. Circle of life.
- Dr. Cuddy: So many people ... so much energy and drama just trying to find someone who's almost never the right person, anyway. It just shouldn't be so hard.
- [Slight pause]
- Dr. House: I got tickets to a play.
- Dr. Cameron: If menstruating is a sign of brain cancer then I should be on chemo right now.
- Dr. House: That's ridiculous. You're way too skinny to be menstruating.
House Training (3.20)
- Dr. House: There's a lot of porn piling up on the Internet. It doesn't download itself!
- Dr. Wilson: [to House] I'm not getting sucked into the vortex of your insanity again.
- Dr. House: What's life without the ability to make stupid decisions?
- Dr. House: [to Wilson's ex] Did you just compare Wilson to a tampon?
- Dr. House: Who's the better James Bond, Sean Connery or Daniel Craig? [patient is unable to respond] Oh come on, that's not even a decision.
- Dr. House: First, "Hector does go rug" is a lame anagram. You want a better anagram for "Gregory House"? "Huge ego, sorry."
- Dr. House: Guilt is irrelevant.
- Dr. Chase: [to Dr. Foreman after the mistake] We are all wrong, you know. Even House was wrong.
- Dr. Foreman: I know.
- Dr.Wilson: [Talking about his ex-wife] The market's doing badly; she's moving into a condo. She wants me to take Hector.
- Dr.House: Poolboy?
- Dr.Wilson: Dog.
Family (3.21)
- Dr. House: Oh, goodness! I left my door open! My poor dog must've run away and been hit by a car, or truck... or train... an anvil...
- [House looks, Hector's still there.]
- Dr. House: (sarcastically) Thank god...you're still here... (yelling) He's still here!
- [House looks around and notices something missing.]
- Dr. House: Where's my stereo?
- Dr. House: What is the point in being able to control people if you won't actually do it? It's like training a dog, then letting him go on your rug, which, by the way--
- Dr. Wilson: Once Foreman got his mitts on them, there was no way--
- Dr. House: You didn't explain chances of probabilities, you lied to them! And told them Foreman's a moron, which isn't even much of a lie right now.
- Dr. Wilson: You gotta talk to him.
- Dr. House: I got no problem with what Foreman did...
- Dr. Wilson: He undercut us, and may have cost that kid his life--!
- Dr. House: Foreman did what he thought was right, you, on the other hand, sucked out! When the decision really mattered you didn't have the guts to tell him what to do! If that kid dies, it's because Foreman was wrong and because you're a coward! [He leaves Wilson standing in the corridor, shocked.]
- Dr. Wilson: Why don't you buy your cane at a medical supply store like a normal cripple?
- Dr. House: Fewer bitchin' choices.
- Cane salesman: This is one of our top sellers. [shows House a new cane with a silver skull on top]
- Dr. House: A little too "Marilyn Manson in the retirement home."
- [Cane salesman shows House another cane]
- Dr. House: Cool.
- Cane Salesman: Genuine bull penis stretched over a metal rod.
- Dr. House:…Penis canes are murder.
- [House slams down new cane, a gloss black model with red and yellow flames painted on the bottom.]
- Dr. Cameron: Flames?
- Dr. House: Makes it look like I'm going fast.
- Dr. House: Once we know what the infection is, we'll know exactly how to treat it. As long as he isn't dead yet, we're cool.
- Dr. House: Any more questions while your son's life slips away?
- Dr. Cuddy: Do you have anything to add to this debate?
- Dr. House: Wilson's right, Foreman's wrong, your shirt is way too revealing for the office.
- Dr. Wilson: I treat patients for months, maybe years, not weeks like you.
- Dr. House: I'm taller.
- Dr. House: Pride and shame only apply to people we have a vested interest in, not employees.
- Dr. Foreman: You'll save more people than I will. But I'll settle for killing less. Consider this my two weeks notice.
- Dr. House: [To Nick and Matty's parents] You have only one decision to make. You can leave here with one dead son, or two.
Resignation (3.22)
- Dr. House: Good morning! This is funny: People don't...
- Dr. Cameron: I'm not done reading. Go away.
- [a few seconds later]
- Dr. House: Good morning!
- Dr. Chase: Not yet!
- [Foreman just signed his resignation]
- Dr. Cuddy: Good luck.
- Dr. Foreman: Thank you.
- Dr. House: That's it? You're not gonna tell him that we're family and families don't abandon each other?
- Dr. Cuddy: (to House) Do you want me to?
- Dr. House: No.
- Dr. Cuddy: (to Foreman) Would it make any difference?
- Dr. Foreman: No.
- Dr. Cuddy: Good luck, Dr. Foreman.
- Dr. House: Personally, I can't believe I've had the same three employees for three years.
- Dr. Wilson: [after being grilled by House because he's on antidepressants. Gestures towards him] This is why I take them.
- Dr. House: They're antidepressants, not "anti-annoyanceants"!
- Dr. Chase: Why's Foreman quitting?
- Dr. House: He wants to breed llamas.
- [House turns and leaves]
- Dr. Chase: Interesting!
- [House turns around]
- Dr. Chase: You're ashamed of the reason, too!
- Dr. Wilson: You tried bargaining with [Foreman]? Give him a raise?
- Dr. House: How much do you think it would cost to make him wanna be like me?
- Dr. Chase: Labs indicated minute traces of blood.
- Dr. House: Can't ignore the blood because it's a minority. Can we, Foreman?
- Dr. House: [Entering an exam room] You're cheating on Honey.
- Male patient: What?...No! I'm not.
- Dr. House: Yes, you are.
- Honey: It's okay. I get it.
- Dr. House: I was gonna say "relax", but oddly enough you seem pretty relaxed already.
- Honey: You're accomplished. You're funny. You can have whatever you want. Women are gonna...
- Dr. House: He's not cheating with another woman. He's cheating with another food group.
- Honey: What?
- Dr. House: His floaters float, because they are full of fat. Probably had a big cheeseburger for lunch.
- Honey: You're eating flesh?
- Male patient: It's just a hamburger. Not all the time...
- Honey: You're disgusting.
- Male patient: Soy tastes like cardboard. Unsalted cardboard.
- Dr. House: I'm accomplished. I'm funny. Can I have whatever I want?
- Dr. Wilson: How did you walk with the cane and two coffees?
- Dr. House: Why are you suspicious?
- Dr. Wilson: Because it's either that, or accept the fact that you've done something nice, and then I have to deal with the horsemen, and the rain of fire, and the end of days.
- Dr. House: I stacked them.
- Dr. Wilson: [on speed] I'm late for a breast thing. Listen, you know he wants you, you know he's good, you know he can make you good... I don't know what I'm saying! You know what I'm saying, and you know I'm right. I gotta go.
- Dr. Foreman: ...
- Dr. Wilson: [to a patient, after he realizes that House has dosed him with amphetamines] Excuse me. I have to go kill someone.
- Dr. Wilson: You dosed me!
- Dr. House: Yes, I did, but only because you didn't trust me - your best friend!
- Dr. Wilson: You could have killed me!
- Dr. House: Amphetamines wouldn't kill you.
- Dr. Wilson: You don't know my medical history! I could have... I could... You could've given me a heart attack!
- Dr. House: A heart attack wouldn't kill you, You were in a hospital!
- [Dr. Wilson yawns]
- Dr. House: Aha! You yawned!
- Dr. Wilson: Aha! You tried to kill me!
- Dr. House: I put you on uppers and you still yawned. Means it's a symptom of being a big fat liar! Yawning is a side effect of some antidepressants, apparently the ones you're on.
- Dr. Wilson: I'm not on antidepressants, I'm on SPEEEEED!
- Dr. Wilson: [Flying on speed] Give me a Vicodin so I don't stroke.
- [Wilson grabs a cup of coffee.]
- Dr. House: I...wouldn't drink that.
- [Wilson looks at him quizzically.]
- Dr. House: Leg hurt and...[Points in general direction of bathroom, then at coffee, then shrugs. Wilson sighs exasperatedly.]
- Dr. House: You dosed me!
- Dr. Wilson: It worked. You've been happy!
- Dr House: I wasn't happy. I was hazy.
- Dr Wilson: You were happy.
- Dr House: Hazy.
- Dr Wilson: Happy.
- Dr House: HAZY!!
- Dr Wilson: Oh, right! A dying girl mistook hazy for happy because dying people see happiness everywhere!
- Patient's mom: Dr. House... Can we call you? Just... Err... In case we have any questions.
- Dr. House: No.
- [House turns his back to the patient's parents and go away]
- Dr. House: I'm on antidepressants because a doctor friend of mine thinks I'm miserable. I don't like them. They make me hazy. I eat meat, like drugs, and I'm not always faithful to the women I date.
- Honey: You don't seem depressed.
- Dr. House: You do realize you just skipped over several deep character flaws that most women would run screaming from?
- Honey: You told the truth.
- Dr. House: Yeah... I don't always do that either.
- Honey: Well, how miserable can you be saving lives, sleeping around and doing drugs? [Smiles]
- [Dr. House is proud for having diagnosed a protein deficiency on a patient, arguing "It can't be tested; it can't be seen"]
- Dr. Foreman: [Disgusted] You're happy about this.
- Dr. Cameron: She's going to die!
- Dr. House: That's not my fault, she was going to die anyway. Now, thanks to me, at least she'll know why.
- Dr. Chase: I'm sure you'll see that gratitude in her eyes when you tell her.
- Dr. Chase: (to Foreman) Why won't you tell me why you're leaving?
- Dr. Foreman: I don't like you. Never have, never will. Want me to share some more?
The Jerk (3.23)
- Chase: Does your head still hurt?
- Nathan: Are you a moron?
- Nathan's Mom: Nate!
- Nathan: I'm clutching my head in pain and he asks if it hurts. [Turns to Chase] What are you, some kind of med student? You look like you still have themed birthday parties.
- Dr. House: [to Dr. Cuddy] Oh, I almost forgot, I need to give a 16-year-old patient magic mushrooms to treat cluster headaches. That cool?
- Dr. Cuddy: [sarcastically] No problem.
- [House smiles and walks out. Cuddy panics and runs out after him]
- Dr. Cuddy: I was being sarcastic!
- Dr. House: It wouldn't look that way in the court transcripts!
- [Nathan is high on magic mushrooms prescribed by House]
- Nathan: [he looks at Chase and chuckles] Hey! Hey, it's Skippy! The Bush Kangaroo!
- Dr. Chase: Your head, Nate, we need to know how the pain is.
- Nathan: What I got here... it's the opposite of pain.
- Nathan: Hey, Dr. X, I know you busted ass trying to save me...
- Dr. Foreman: No, it's okay.
- Nathan: I wasn't going to thank you. I was just going to say you really suck at this.
- Dr. Foreman: We're doing our best.
- Nathan: That's sort of my point. Your best really sucks.
- Dr. House: You are one evil cunning woman. It's a massive turn on.
- Dr. House: Kid's not a cliché. Anyone can get in a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat.
- Nathan: [To Dr. Foreman] Do people watch what they say around you?
- Dr. Foreman: Why? Because I'm black?
- Nathan: No, because you're gay.
- Nathan: [to Cameron, while high] Oh, man, you're hot. She's makin' me horny!
- Dr. Chase: Deal with it.
- Nathan: Hey, hey, hey! You can't get me stoned then not close the deal.
- Dr. Chase: Shut up!
- Dr. Cameron: Take it easy; he's not in his right mind.
- Nathan: You're going to regret turning me down. Check it out.
- [opens his robe to flash Cameron]
- Dr. Chase: Oh, for God's sake!
- Nathan [to House, when he enters with the chess-board]: Who are you?
- Dr. House: Doctor MacCaney!
- Dr. Chase: And it's Tuesday.
- Dr. Cameron: I know.
- Dr. Chase: I like you.
- Dr. Cameron: I know. See you next Tuesday.
Human Error (3.24)
- [House is defending his firing of Chase]
- Dr. House: Sorry. You're in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions.
- Dr. Cuddy: My building, my floor, my people!
- [After Esteban has called him several times during the night]
- Dr. House: Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?
- [Marina has just revived after her heart stopped a day ago]
- Marina: [weakly] Esteban?
- Dr. House: Holy crap...
- Marina: Is this Heaven?
- Dr. House: No, it's New Jersey.
- Estaban: God sent you back to me! It's a miracle!
- [House looks to the heavens in a pleading manner]
- Dr. Cameron: Short of a miracle, there is no way she could have revived.
- Dr. House: Why does God get all the credit whenever something good happens?! Where was he when her heart stopped?
- Dr. Cameron: Her blood pressure is rising.
- Dr. House: So is mine. But I am doing battle with a deity.
- Dr. House: Just one more surgery, and you'll be fine.
- Marina: Thank God!
- Dr. House: Don't make me slap you!
- Dr. Chase: Foreman’s not going anywhere.
- Dr. House: He said that to you?
- Dr. Chase: He doesn’t really want to leave. And you don’t really want to let him. You’ll cave, just like you did with Cameron.
- Dr. House: Foreman’s not as easy as Cameron. (Pauses) But, of course, who is?
- Dr. Cameron: I’m in the room!
Season 4
Alone_(4.01)">Alone (4.01)
- Dr. Cuddy: Two surgeries for multiple fractures and burns-
- Dr. House: I was thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head.
- Dr. House: Can't take the case. I don't have a team.
- Dr. Cuddy: [holds up resumes] So hire a team.
- Dr. House: What for? I don't have a case.
- [Cuddy pulls the guitar cord out of the amp]
- Dr. Cuddy: You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert's over.
- Dr. House: In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?
- Dr. House: Imagine that the roof of the storage closet collapses on your favorite floor buffer, which then starts overheating.
- Janitor: Why would I have a favorite floor buffer? [House looks at him] Okay... maybe the electrical works got banged up in there from stuff falling on it.
- Dr. House: Hmm, interesting. Brain damage leading to hypothalamic disregulation. Nah, if you're brought in covered with rubble it's all about the MRI's, we would've seen that. C'mon! Gotta earn that fiver.
- Janitor: Or stuff [points to his bottle of cleaning fluid] leaked in the holes, messin' it up.
- Dr. House: Lacerations lead to multiple portals for infection. Bacterial would've responded to the antibiotics, [indicates "fever" written on the white board] it's too high for viral. Parasites or fungus is possible.
- Janitor: Or maybe lupus. [House stops writing and stares at the guy] My grandma has lupus.
- Dr. House: Okay, autoimmune. I'll run a lupus panel. Infection fits best. [picks up his cane from the board] A complete history would be helpful, which leads to the worst part of the job: dealing with the floor buffer's family.
- [House found the patient's hidden diary while searching their house]
- Dr. Wilson: What does the diary say?
- Dr. House: It's basically a list of her sexual encounters. Boys, girls, vibrating appliances.
- Dr. Wilson: If it was you'd be quoting. That's summarizing.
- Dr. House: It's a parade of sad banalities: can hardly get out of bed, feeling blue. Then, three months ago it turns into a parade of happy banalities: starting to turn the corner, job's looking up.
- Dr. Wilson: We can stop swabbing, her clichés are getting healthier.
- [After House has sent the janitor to get the family to sign a consent form]
- Ben Prosner (patient's boyfriend): He's a janitor?!
- Dr. House: More significantly, a blabbermouth.
- Dr. Cuddy: House, shut up!
- Dr. House: Don't you have a patient?
- Female ER doctor: She shot herself in the leg while high on meth. Would it hurt her to be in pain for a little while?
- Dr. House: Are you a fan of symmetry?
- Female ER doctor: Sure.
- Dr. House: Weird. 'Cause your eyes are lopsided. And by "eyes" I mean breasts.
- Dr. House: ARDS and crush syndrome, both reactions to severe trauma. Why can't she have both?
- Female ER doctor: Because... because then there's nothing we could do.
- Dr. House: Boy, you remind me of someone.
- Dr. Cuddy: Where did you come from?
- Dr. House: Apes, if you believe the Democrats.
- Dr. House: You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before marriage. I can't hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them?
- Dr. House: [Speaks while strumming his guitar] Sometimes, I am wrong. I have a gift for observation, for reading people and situations, but sometimes, I am wrong. This will be the longest job interview of your life. I will test you in ways you will often consider unfair, demeaning and illegal, and you'll often be right. Look to your left, and now look to your right. By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone, as well as twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup. [Plays a note]
- Dr. Wilson:Which restaurant are you taking me to?
- Dr. House: [to Dr. Wilson] Oh, [maneuvers his car towards the patient's house] this one's homier. [Dr. Wilson is silent] Dibs on the cold pizza. [Clips a disabled sign to the rear-view mirror, then gets out]
The Right Stuff (4.02)
- Dr. House: Who is this man? Come on, take a shot! I'm not gonna fire you every time you give a wrong answer.
- Applicant #23: Neville Chamberlain?
- Dr. House: You're fired.
- Dr. House: As far as you're concerned, the patient is Osama bin Laden, and everyone not in this room is Delta Force. Any questions?
- Applicant #11: We're protecting Osama bin Laden?
- Dr. House: It's a metaphor. Get used to it.
- Dr. House: Got a problem with the naked female form?
- Applicant #32: Not at all.
- Applicant #13: Maybe she's just not used to seeing it spooning with the naked dolphin form.
- Dr. House: That's not a dolphin, it's a porpoise. There is a difference you know.
- Dr. House: [after seeing Dr. Chase walk past] Did you just see a blond guy with a pretentious accent?
- Applicant #24: Can't see an accent.
- Dr. House: Good point.
- [Dr. Cole refuses to participate in a drinking test to check their patient's liver status because he's a devoted Mormon]
- Dr. House: Would you or would you not pull an ass out of a pit on Sabbath?
- Dr. Cuddy: From now on, everything you do gets charted. With pen. On Paper. In a binder that says "Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital" on the cover.
- Dr. House: [Whining]Moooomm!
- Dr. Cuddy: If you want to run something through the labs, I get a copy. If you do scans, I get a copy. If you think about doing scans, I get a copy.
- Dr. House: You know my current thoughts, right? I don't have to put those on paper.
- Dr. House: Number 10, you're fired.
- Applicant #10: She told you?
- Dr. House: Well, it had to be someone who went to her home. Number 26 is half-asleep, missed his afternoon nap - obviously he doesn't feel guilt. Number 2 is here on a visa, she can't jeopardize...
- Applicant #10: You can't know...
- Dr. House: And... that chick [Applicant #24] has been pointing at you since I walked in.
- Dr. House: I fired you!
- Applicant #6: [wearing his number upside down] No, you didn't.
- Applicant #24: He fired you. You're number 6.
- Applicant #6: No, I'm not. I'm number 9.
- Dr. House: I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired.
- Dr. House: Vitamin D is metabolized by both the liver and kidneys, it wouldn't tells us which one screwed up.
- Applicant #6: We could get her wasted. Give her shots of tequila measure how long it takes her to pass out. If it's too fast it means her liver's not processing alcohol, means it's shot.
- Dr. House: I like you, number 9.
- Dr. House: So tell me about the magic underwear.
- Applicant #18: Is that why you're here?
- Dr. House: I'm the big drinker, doing my part for science. The interesting question is why your religious beliefs are suddenly less important than her dreams.
- Applicant #18: You're reversing your argument?
- Dr. House: I know what I believe, I'm just not quite sure what you believe.
- Applicant #18: Well LDS doesn't try to dictate every detail of our lives. When a situation isn't clear, we're encouraged to make our own decisions.
- Dr. House: But your judgement was to say no. You used my judgement.
- Applicant #18: You made a good argument.
- Dr. House: Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise there wouldn't be religious people.
- Applicant #18: You're an atheist.
- Dr. House: Only on Christmas and Easter, the rest of the time it doesn't really matter.
- Applicant #18: Where's the fun in that? A finite un-mysterious universe?
- Dr. House: It's not about fun, it's about the truth.
- Applicant #18: She was having trouble breathing, refused oxygen and intubation.
- Dr. House: So you put her on a treadmill...?
- Applicant #13: Records will show that we gave her oxygen as part of a routine cardio stress-test. She gets to breathe, you boss gets her paperwork.
- Dr. House: Whose idea was that?
- Applicant #13: It's a joint decision.
- Dr. House: It never is.
- Applicant #18: The problem is not the surgery, it's the scars. And we have a plastic surgeon here who can hide them.
- Applicant #39: Not that well. NASA's gonna check every cranny.
- Applicant #"9": I say we just put ether in her oxygen and do what we have to do.
- Applicant #2: She'll sue.
- Applicant #24: For what? Making it harder for her to lie to the government?
- Applicant #39: We don't have to hide them. We give her elective cosmetic surgery. The incisions will give us access to her lungs and she's got an innocent explanation for the scars.
- Applicant #2: You mean like liposuction?
- Applicant #39: No, those incisions are too far from the lungs. We don't subtract, we add. Turn her B's into C's
- Dr. House: It's a myth that fake hooters blow up at high altitude. She'll be fine. Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind.
- Dr. Cuddy: You bumped a splenectomy for a boob job?
- Dr. House: Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?
- Dr. House: [After meeting Cameron in the ER] The blonde hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it.
- Dr. House: [introducing the patient to the team] Heeeeeeeeeere's Osama!
- Dr. House: Issue #3 [Stares angrily at Applicant #6] Come on. [Gestures towards the back of the hall, Applicant #6 leaves]
97 Seconds (4.03)
- Dr. Volakis: He said he'd be here by three, he's obviously not coming. [removes her runners bib and starts to leave] I'm going home.
- Dr. Jeffrey Cole: Nobody follow her. She "pied pipered" nine people right out of a job last week.
- Dr. House: If you're gonna try to take yourself out, why use electricity? You could eat a bullet, or jump off a building...
- Dr. Wilson: I love the team thing, by the way.
- Dr. House: ...or bury yourself alive in Cuddy's cleavage.
- Dr. Wilson: Teamwork, collaboration, all for the greater good.
- Dr. House: It would've been a suicidal gesture, as opposed to an actual attempt.
- Dr. Wilson: Interestingly, the "rain in Spain" doesn't actually fall in the plain all that much.
- Thirteen: Patient has spinal muscular atrophy. It's genetic, incurable. This is not a diagnostic mystery.
- Dr. House: You have just given a state secret to the enemy.
- Thirteen: What enemy?
- Dr. House: New patient, new rules. Today you're gonna split yourselves into two teams. The first to figure out what's threatening to deprive the patient of the twenty or so miserable years he's got left with SMA gets to keep their jobs. Take off your numbers, you look stupid. I think I know who you are by now.
- Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Wait, how do you want us to split up?
- Dr. House: Good question [pauses, forgetting Dr. Kutner's name] ...overly-excited former foster kid. There's ten of you, I was thinking six against six. No, wait...
- Twin 15A: How 'bout women versus men.
- Dr. House: Excellent suggestion... fat twin. More interesting than "evens versus odds", less interesting than "shirts against skins". If your sex organs dangle - you're the confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing - you're the yanks.
- Dr. Volakis: Dr. House, I'd like to be on the men's team.
- Dr. House: Do your sex organs dangle, cutthroat bitch?
- Dr. Volakis: Not yet.
- Dr. Henry Dobson: We're not okay.
- Dr. Volakis: I get it - you don't like me because maybe I'm a little bit competitive.
- Dr. Dobson: Manipulative.
- Dr. Kutner: "Cutthroat bitch" is your official title.
- Dr. Wilson: Now would have been an excellent time to lie!
- Dr. House: Hi, Greg House.
- Dr. House: Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. Very small one; just one truck comes; and it only comes from one home. Al Gore would be appalled.
- Dr. House: [To the patient who electrocuted himself] I check this little box and your new roommates are Jesus and Crazy McLoonybin.
- [Dr. House walks into Dr. Cuddy's office and sits down. There is long pause.]
- Dr. Cuddy: Why are you here?
- Dr. House: My office is being used by my teams.
- Dr. Cuddy: Teams?
- Dr. House: ...Which means this is the only place where you can yell at me.
- Dr. Cuddy: You have teamS?
- Dr. House: Two of them. I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn't have to listen all that closely.
- Dr. Cuddy: You can't make a competition out of patient care.
- Dr. House: Without competition we'd still be single-celled organisms. Can I go now?
- Dr. Cuddy: Not until after the yelling. What's wrong with him?
- Dr. House: I have seven of the finest minds on it, along with three very special-
- Dr. Cuddy: You wouldn't be doing this unless you already knew-
- Dr. House: Ah-ah, if I tell you, you tell them. Game's over.
- Dr. Cuddy: If you know you are obligated to treat-
- Dr. House: Well, then in that case I don't know. Why would a a guy voluntarily shove a metal object into an electrical socket?
- Dr. Cuddy: I'm getting closer and closer to finding the answer. What would happen if I shut down this game?
- Dr. House: I'd fire them all, hire forty new fellowship applicants, and start the game all over again.
- [Dr. Chase and Dr. Cameron are leaving, when House confronts them in the lobby]
- Dr. House: [to Chase] I can have you fired!
- Dr. Chase: You already had me fired.
- Dr. House: Just proves that I can.
- Dr. Chase: Were the men wrong?
- Dr. House: No. That doesn't change the fact--
- Dr. Chase: Why are you yelling at me?
- Dr. House: Because, performing tests for someone who is not a doctor in this hospital--
- Dr. Chase: You're frustrated. You want help, I'm here. If you just need to vent... leave a message. [Chase leaves]
- Dr. Cameron: I like him better like this. You?
- Dr. House: :[Yelling through Wilson's office door] HEY WILSON! I'M GOING TO CUT A CRIPPLE'S EYE OUT! WANNA WATCH?!
- [Dr. Wilson opens his door and looks at Cuddy and House]
- Dr. Wilson: Good times.
Guardian Angels (4.04)
- Dr. House: [over the phone from his office] Goooood morning, Angels. As you will see from the file, we have quite the interesting case. Not often you get a patient who sees dead people.
- Dr. Kutner: What file?
- Dr. House: What the hell? I gave it to Bosley a half-hour ago.
- Dr. Cameron: [enters House's office carrying a coffee] It was not a half-hour, it was ten minutes, and he made copies of the ER records first. [starts to give the coffee to Dr. House]
- Dr. House: Less lip, more whip. I only agreed to take this case because you said that this mocha frappalicious would have whip on it.
- Dr. Cameron: Fine, I'll refer the case to Foreman.
- Dr. House: Can't. Mercy fired him.
- Dr. Cameron: [surprised] He got fired?
- Dr. House: Disobeyed his superior officer under fire. He's lucky he wasn't executed.
- Dr Cameron: How do you know about it? Are you keeping tabs on him?
- Dr. House: Girls talk.
- Dr. Taub: [asking if Dobson isn't a doctor] You said one of us wasn't a doctor, and you called him a fraud.
- Dr. House: He's not a doctor. Continue, Bos.
- Dobson: Could be an STD...
- Dr Taub: Why isn't he fired?
- Dr. House: [starts randomly pressing buttons on the phone] Oh, you're breaking up! I'm going into a tunnel.
- Dr. House: Dark Religious Nut,...
- Dr. Cole: [surprised] What did you call me?
- Dr. House: I'm sorry. What do you want to be called this week?
- Dr. Cole: Cole.
- Dr. House: Well, I'm never going to remember that. Take Bosley and the other visible minorities to the funeral home. The rest of you young, white people - the world is your oyster. An MRI with contrast, EEG, LP and blood panel. And Angels, be careful. [hangs up]
- Dr. Cameron: [about Dr. Cole] Just because he's religious, doesn't mean he won't kick your ass.
- Dr. House: You wanna bet?
- Dr. Cameron: No, I want you to stop being such a jerk to him.
- Dr. House: One hundred dollars.
- [Dr. Cameron stops leaning on the desk]
- Dr. House: Smart call. That guy's a wuss. He'll be the next one on the train.
- Dr. Cameron: Define "kick your ass".
- Dr. House: Any physical confrontation...
- Dr. Cameron: ...Or verbal.
- Dr. House: Define "verbal".
- Dr. Cameron: Anything over... 70 decibels. And you can't start suddenly being nice to him!
- Dr. House: You realize what you're encouraging here?
- Dr. Cameron: [smiles] Yeah, someone kicking your ass.
- Dr. Cole: What do you want us to do?
- Dr. House: The question is... what would Joseph Smith do?
- Dr. Cole: This isn't the time for--
- Dr. House: Casting out the demons?
- Dr. Cole: The patient's not possessed, she's dying. You can mock me tomorrow.
- Dr. House: You believe that the book has all the answers.
- Dr. Cole: To morality, not science!
- Dr. House: But the book is inconsistent with science. Do you know how many epileptics were tortured because they were "possessed"? How many teenage witches were stoned to death because they took mushrooms?
- Dr. Cole: Just shut up already! We've got a patient dying!
- Dr. House: You either gotta prescribe an exorcism, or admit to me that Smith was a horny fraud--
- [Dr. Cole turns around and punches House in the face, to the shock of everybody in the room.]
- Dr. Volakis: [after a moment of silence] I know what she has.
- Dr. House: You couldn't have spoken up ten seconds ago? You could've saved me a hundred bucks.
- [The fellows are in the lecture room talking to House via phone]
- Dr. Cole: Ethanol could have psychoactive effects...
- Dr. House: Bosley, tell whoever's talking that he's an idiot. [Dobson begins to stand up, but then stops. There is a long pause] Bosley, either tell him he's an idiot, or tell me why I'm wrong.
- Dobson: [to Dr. Cole] You're an idiot.
- Dobson: The disease [mad-cow disease] could be spread by brain tissue.
- Dr. House: Which is very cool. Run with it.
- Dr Brennan: So because the answer might be cool, you want us to do a brain biopsy on a 24-year-old woman?
- Dr. House: No, because is something cool I want you to do a brain biopsy on a 48-year-old dead guy.
- Dr. House: Don't think of it as digging up a body, think of it as keeping another one from getting buried.
- Dr. Volakis: Dr. Cuddy? I'm Amber Volakis, one of Dr. House's new fellows...
- Dr. Cuddy: [interrupting her] Sexual harassment claims go through HR, stress-related leaves through workers' comp., and any accusations of criminal activity go directly to the Princeton-Plainsboro Police Department.
- Dr. Taub: Enlarged spleen and liver failure are classic AIP. It's porphyria and it's moving fast.
- Dobson: PBG's were negative. If you read the report-!
- Dr. Taub: PBG tests are only conclusive if done during an attack, which you would know if you were a real doctor!
- Dr. House: That is just great!
- Dobson: What is?
- Dr. Taub: Which one of us is?
- Dr. House: Both of you, together. Fighting, passionate to prove the other one wrong. You couldn't care less about the patient, but it all works out the same.
- Dr. Volakis: [eagerly] I hate Thirteen.
- Dr. House: Not as productively.
- Dr. Cameron: How's it going?
- Dr. House: Great. The only way he [Dr. Cole] could turn any more cheeks is by pulling down his pants.
- Dr. Cameron: He's not a wuss. It takes a lot more strength to-
- Dr. House: We didn't bet on how strong he was.
- Dr. Cameron: So you're going a collect a hundred dollars and fire him because he has principles?
- Dr. House: What's your agenda here? You obviously don't care about the hundred.
- Dr. Cameron: He's a decent, smart-
- Dr. House: You don't care about the team.
- Dr. Cameron: Does it annoy Wilson when you ask questions and ignore the answers?
- Dr. House: Very much. You only care about who I hire and who I fire because you miss going through my mail. You can't stop controlling me.
- Dr. House: I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits.
- Dr. Cuddy: Doctor's lounge is covered in mud.
- Dr. House: Thirteen and Cutthroat Bitch had a disagreement and the cafeteria was all out of jell-o.
- Dr. Cuddy: There were pickaxes. Either you had them dig up a body, or you're building a railroad.
- Dr. House: You guys don't wipe your feet when you come in the house? [hands Dr. Taub a mop] Doctors' Lounge, let's go.
- Dr. Taub: Why me?
- Dr. House: Well, I can't ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; it'd be insensitive.
- Dr. House: Just a little piece of the brain. Seemed a waste; the guy wasn't using it anymore.
- Dr. Cuddy: That's your defense? 'We Just dismembered him?'
- Dr. Cuddy: How many of them agreed to dig up a grave?
- Dr. House: Six. But don't worry, the one who didn't didn't stand on principle. He just had a diaper to change. I really think there are no bad choices in this group.
Mirror Mirror (4.05)
- Dr. House: [about Sweden] Any country with that low an age of consent but that high a rate of suicide isn’t thinking straight.
- Thirteen: [The patient's] car was towed, and the tow gate's locked. Guys must be out on a run.
- Dr. House: That's why I sent two of you: one of you breaks in. The other posts bail.
- Thirteen: Getting arrested is not what I'm worried about.
- Dr. House: Not a problem. You know how to kill dogs, right?
- Dr. Taub: You're risking our patient's life, just to get back at Cuddy?
- Dr. House: Whaaaaaaaaat? No. That would be childish. This is what I'm doing to get back at Cuddy.
- Dr. House: [in the clinic waiting room] Who here doesn’t have any health insurance? [many people raise their hands] Michael Moore was right. MRI’s, PET scans, neuro-psych tests, private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!
- Dr. House: War doesn't end until Foreman's gone.
- Dr. Cuddy: Foreman's not going anywhere.
- Dr. House: And I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?
- Dr. Foreman: [To Dr. House] Giovannini's?
- Dr. House: Do you know any other mirror syndromes?
- Dr. House: [To Dr. Kutner] You've electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.
- Dr. Kutner: Thank you.
- Dr. Taub: It wasn't a compliment.
- Dr. House: Yes it was. Now comes the insult; YOU'RE INSANE!
- Dr. Cuddy: [dropping Foreman off to join House's new team] But Dr. Foreman will be my eyes and ears. You do nothing without his knowledge.
- Dr. House: Oh, just in case I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?
- Dr. House: I decided you were right. You're obviously in an impossible position. There's no point in me humiliating you.
- Dr. Foreman: Thanks.
- Dr. House: ... so I'm gonna humiliate Cuddy - until she fires you.
- Dr. Foreman: The guy's faking. It's Munchausen's. You noticed the EMT runsheet? The paramedic that brought him in is also named Martin Harris.
- Dr. House: Well, if the name was Atilla von Wienerschnitzel, I'd say you might be onto something.
- [Cuddy and House are talking to the patient who is always "mirroring" the most powerful person around him, trying to figure out if Cuddy or House are more powerful]
- Dr. Cuddy: Hi, I'm the Dean of Medicine.
- Dr. House: Hi, I'm the guy who saved your life.
- Dr. Cuddy: I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him tomorrow. I don't even need -
- Dr. House: She doesn't fire me. She never WILL fire me. She needs me -
- Dr. Cuddy: He's a good doctor, that's all. I respect his expertise and I -
- Dr. House: She's hot for me.
- Patient: Shut up.
- Dr. Cuddy: Well, that could have been either of us.
- Patient: You have great ya-boos.
- Dr. Cuddy: [Trying] Still could have been either of us.
- Dr. House: [Smiles] You lose. [Starts victory dance]
- Dr. Foreman: [seeing House doing his victory dance from outside the room] Damn.
Whatever It Takes (4.06)
- Dr. House: [to the CIA agent recruiting him] If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they’d better be working their way through college.
- Dr. House: Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse’s lower-than-chest-nuts. Which makes the idea he accidentally ate a couple hundred slightly less persuasive.
- Dr. House: [First walking trough the CIA building] Looks a lot better on 24. [Sees Dr. Terzi after walking into her office] I take that back.
- Dr. Terzi: This is Dr. Sidney Curtis from the Mayo Clinic, he's also agreed to help with the diagnosis.
- Dr. Curtis: [shakes hands with House] Dr. House.
- Dr. House: "Curtis on Immunology" Sidney Curtis?
- Dr. Curtis: [pleased] Oh, you've read it?
- Dr. House: Nope, but it is keeping my piano level.
- Dr. Terzi: I'm afraid there are going to be some limitations on his medical history. Just let me know what you need and I should be able to provide it.
- Dr. House: FYI, my malpractice insurance doesn’t cover alien autopsies.
- Dr. Terzi: That's fine. X-Files are in the next wing over.
- Dr. Curtis: Where was the agent when he first fell ill?
- Dr. Terzi: Sorry, that's classified, but assume there aren't too many places in the world John hasn't been and yes - "John"'s a cover name.
- Dr. Curtis: And what makes you think it was an attempt on his life?
- Dr. Terzi: Sorry, I can't tell you that either.
- Dr. Curtis: Well, what can you tell us?
- Dr. House: Yeah, did Oswald really have sex with Marilyn Monroe?
- House: Who were you going to kill in Bolivia? My old housekeeper?
- Dr. Terzi: We don't kill anyone.
- House: I'm sorry - who were you going to marginalize? If it is my housekeeper, she has it coming. Cleaning the windows means cleaning both sides. Am I right or am I right?
- Dr. Wilson: I was wondering when you'd grow bored of avoiding my calls.
- Dr. House: Oh, I could never grow bored of ignoring you. What's the latest protocol on Waldenström's?
- Dr. Wilson: Where are you?
- Dr. House: CIA headquarters. How much fludarabine do you need?
- Dr. Wilson: Either you're sprawled naked on your floor with an empty bottle of vicodin or collapsed naked in front of your computer with an empty bottle of Viagra. Please tell me which because Chase has another pool going.
- Dr. House: They flew me in to help deal with a sick employee. How much-?
- Dr. Wilson: [interrupting] Hallucinations. Damn! I shouldn't have bet on the Viagra.
- Dr. House: You know, I have a position available on my penis - wait a second, I think I screwed up that joke.
- Dr. Terzi: You're offering me a job?
- Dr. House: I'd settle for that.
- Dr. Terzi: As tempting as a position on your staff is, I like it here.
- Dr. House: Pays better. And we've only had one assassination attempt
- Dr. Terzi: And I'm sure you're a great boss, that's why your fellows left en masse a few months ago. [House looks awkwardly at her] I have satellite images.
- Dr. House: You’ve got to get down here – they have a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy’s vagina. I told them the chance of invasion is slim to none, but…
- Dr. Curtis: He [House] should be brought up on charges!
- Dr. House OK, relax, I'll take your book out from under my piano.
- Dr. Cameron: When - when you were dying, you tried to infect me, because you knew I'd fight for you if I thought I was dying, too.
- Dr. Foreman: You're bringing this up now so I'll forgive you for messing with my patient?
- Dr. Cameron: I'm happy I changed jobs. But, I know I'll never have that sort of... excitement.
- Dr. Foreman: You miss people trying to kill you?
- Dr. Cameron: No, I miss people doing whatever it takes to get the job done. [slight pause, Foreman nods] I guess that's why I'm having trouble giving it up.
- Dr. House: You make a good point. I've been wrong every time, and she still won't listen to you. So either she [chuckling] really likes me or she really hates you. And I got a ride in the jet.
- Dr House: I know how to kill a guy with my thumb.
- Dr Cuddy: Who doesn't?
Ugly (4.07)
- Dr. Taub: [to House] Some of us pop pain pills, I cheat. We all have our vices.
- Dr. House: [about Dr. Terzi] I think she might be an idiot.
- Dr. Wilson: Who?
- Dr. House: She can't be an idiot! She's in the CIA, for god's sake!
- Dr. Wilson: The Bay of Pigs was a daring triumph?
- Dr. House: You’re right about me being wrong and wrong about you being right.
- Dr. House: Wow you're ugly.
- Kenny: Wow you're an ass!
- Dr. Wilson: Well it's great how he rebounded from that setback.
- Director: [off screen] What setback?
- Dr. Wilson: He didn't tell you about the...? Well, it's his right. The records were sealed. Personally, I think he was just tapping his foot and reaching for the toilet paper. Obviously, it was a witch hunt.
- Director: You think they singled him out because...
- Dr. Wilson: No, literally. It was a witch hunt. Doctor House is a practicing Wiccan. It's a beautiful religion. Very caring...
- Dr. House: [entering off screen] (to the director) Hey hey hey! You have access to the case, not my favorite fives.
- House: She's making me an idiot.
- Wilson: That's cute. You have a crush.
- House: No, I think it's something systematic.
- Wilson: Thirteen's pretty. You're obviously okay with her.
- House: She killed a patient.
- Wilson: The bitch is pretty.
- House: The bitch is a bitch.
- Wilson: Ask her out.
- House: The bitch? She's a bitch.
- Wilson: No, the one that's making you an idiot. It's the story of life. Boy meets girl. Boy gets stupid. Boy and girl live stupidly ever after.
- Dr. Cuddy: You think I like the cameras? You think I want the whole world watching you check out my ass and question my wardrobe?
- Dr. House: Would it be better if I checked out your wardrobe and questioned your ass?
- Dr. Cuddy: A little part of me...
- Dr. House: [interrupting her] There is no little part of you.
- [The movie crew is interviewing Cameron in the ER while she works on a patient]
- Director: Before you worked in the ER you worked for House, right?
- Dr. Cameron: Three and a half years.
- Director: Why did you leave?
- ER Patient: Hey, I - I don't want to be on TV. I'm not signing a release.
- Director: We'll blur you out.
- Dr. Cameron: [to the patient] Take off your pants.
- ER Patient: [to the director] Will you be able to use any of this if I start swearing?
- Director: Did House treat you as badly as he treats his current fellows?
- Dr. Cameron: Loaded question.
- ER Patient: Faaaarrrkk! [chuckles] That's not even a word. [giggles] Fork!
- Director: [sarcastically] Very clever.
- Dr. Cameron: I learned how to be a doctor from House. Or, at least a doctor who learned to be a doctor from House, if that makes any sense.
- Director: And you left his team because... you couldn't stand him anymore?
- Dr. Cameron: [distracted] No, no, I - I love Dr. House.
- Director: [surprised] Now that's something we haven't heard.
- Dr. Cameron: I mean, [slight pause] what did you ask me, again?
- Director: Why you left.
- Dr. Cameron: [confused, stuttering] I - I loved being... around him. Professionally, you know he was always... stimulating [realising what she just said] - not in the erotic sense of the word!
- ER Patient: [giggling] Fork. They forked. And then they spooned.
- Dr. House: I became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams.
- Dr. House: Also, my eyes look better in rooms with summer colors.
- Dr. House: We can try and pretend we're above it or we can try and intellectualize it away, but ultimately, shiny, pretty, perky things are good, [pause] and ugly, misshapen teenage boys are repulsive.
- Director: The question was, "Do you resent Dr. Cuddy's interference in your practice?"
- Dr. House: Oh. Well then I guess my answer wasn't very helpful, was it?
- Dr. Taub: There's a mass lesion in the left anterior temporal lobe surrounded by edema.
- Dr. House: Did you just insult me in Pig Latin?
- Dr. Taub: *scoffs* Dr. House. Please......
- Dr. Wilson: Where'd you get those keys?
- Dr. House: Blew the janitor.
- Dr. Wilson: What?
- Dr. House: That's his name.
- Dr. Wilson: His name's Lou!
- Dr. House: ...Owe him an apology.
- Dr. Kutner: Are we gonna be on TV?
- Dr. House: No I'm auditioning for my own music video.
- Dr. Wilson: Wait rewind that.
- Dr. House: What? Did you miss something.
- Dr. Wilson: No. When she leans over I think you can see through her shirt.
- Dr. House: Dr. Terzi you're fired. [Long pause]. So... you wanna have dinner, catch a movie?
You Don't Want To Know (4.08)
- Dr. House: I noticed a trend: if no one does anything, sick people often get sicker.
- Dr. House: You let her greedy fingers right into my cookie jar. Which, sadly, is not as dirty as it sounds.
- Dr. House: I finally have a case of lupus.
- Dr House: What's your blood type?
- Magician: Type A...but...
- Dr. House: Trust me, it is WAY better to know.
- Dr. House: We can all applaud the doctor who is willing to break all the rules, but the real hero is the unsung doctor, toiling in anonymity [hits a string in the air], because he broke the rules without getting caught. I need to know you have these skills. I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy. [the fellows stare at him in disbelief] Not kidding. [the fellows continue staring] Thong. Cuddy. Go.
- [the fellows turn to Foreman]
- Dr. Foreman: [resigned] That's how I got hired.
- Taub: [Discovers rabbits in the patients home] Tularemia.
- Kutner: [With his back turned] No, you'd have to have rabbits.
- Taub: True. Maybe a tick jumped from a rabbit onto one of these white fluffy alligators.
- Thirteen: [Sarcastically] Yeah, I've been here 8 weeks because my subscription to Masochism Weekly ran out.
- Dr. House: Actual magic is oxymoronic. [pause] Might not even be oxy.
- Magician: The man dislocating his shoulder. [pointing at Kutner] Tell the man next to you to come up.
- Kutner: I saw this magician last night...
- Dr. House: The girl's fine, he didn't really cut her in half.
- Kutner: His heart stopped while he was hanging upside down in a water tank.
- Dr. House: A drowning man's heart stopped, that is a mystery.
- Dr. House: [Talking about Amber] Foreman, she's not wearing underwear, you used to be more fun.
- Dr. Foreman: Big deal. If she stops wearing clothes then we can drop the medical stuff.
- Dr. House: [Before doing surgery on a magician] Ladies and gentlemen. I've got nothing in my hands. Nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants, but it's not going to help with this particular trick.
- Dr. House: Hypothetical situation, a woman drops something in public and instead of laughing it off she gets nervous and erratic.
- Thirteen: Maybe she's nervous because she didn't do her spelling homework. [House stares at her] In my hypothetical she's 8.
- Thirteen: [Talking about House] What did you do to him?
- Dr. Cole: Amber's nickname is Cutthroat Bitch and you're blaming me.
- Dr. House: OH MY GOD! You're not wearing underwear!
- Dr. Cuddy: [Embarrassed] Of course I'm..
- Dr. House: [Interrupts] Skirt that tight you got no secrets. Skirt that tight I can tell if you've got an IUD. You seen Dr. Cole?
- Dr. Cuddy: [Blushing] No..
- Dr. House: You're blushing.
- Dr. Cuddy: [Not looking at House] I am not..
- Dr. House: Look at me.
- [Cuddy looks at House]
- Dr. House: OH. MY. GOD!!!
- [Cuddy walks away quickly]
- Magician: People come to my show because they want a sense of wonder. They want to experience something they can't explain.
- Dr. House: If the wonder's gone when the truth is known, there never was any wonder to begin with.
- Magician: The wonder is in not knowing. [House appears to cut the magician's IV line, the magician looks worried]
- House: The wonder is in knowing. [He shows the magician his intact IV line, showing that he cut a piece of plastic tubing]
- Magician: (exclaims) Oh! Oh my head! Oh! I have a headache.
- House: Is it new or old?
- Magician: Oh! I'll be fine. Oh! Just need to take a couple of these Vicodin. (pretends to have a pill bottle in his hand, and pours out two real pills in his hand, and looks at it...House pulls out his actual pill bottle, and shakes it, hearing nothing shaking in it)
Games (4.09)
- Dr. House: (places record in record player) A little mood music, build the suspense.
- Dr. Kutner: Sounds more folky.
- Dr. House: (mean, teeth gritting tone) You seriously have no idea when to shut up, do you?
- Dr. House: [Yelling over the music played to induce a seizure in the patient] Remind me of your influences here. I’m gonna say, Thelonious Monk and the sound a trash compactor makes when you crawl inside it.
- Jimmy Quidd: Maybe purposelessness is my purpose.
- Dr. Volakis: Mission accomplished.
- Dr. House: You're not taking the long view.
- Dr. Foreman: The one where we stuff another patient in a body bag?
- Dr. House: Nope, if we're wrong it'll come pretty fast. The long view is the one where we pick the best team; that way we can use all those bags we save for grocery shopping.
- Dr. Volakis: Drug addicts use drugs is a stereotype? "Drugs are bad" is a stereotype? Losers lose is-
- Thirteen: Malaria.
- Dr. Taub: Don't care about the patient.
- Thirteen: You care about this job more than you care about his life?
- Dr. Taub: I care about my wallpaper more than I care about his life.
- Thirteen: Okay, you're jerking me around. There's no reason to be a doctor if you don't care about-
- Dr. Taub: I care about life, I just don't care about his.
- Dr. House: What makes you so sure that drugs are a mask for something else?
- Thirteen: Drugs are always a mask for something else.
- Dr. House [pauses] That's the dumbest thing I have heard in my life.
- [Thirteen leaves, House awards her extra points on the scoreboard]
- Dr. House: [to Dr. Cuddy, when asking for her opinion as to which doctors he should keep] You're a bureaucratic nightmare, a chronic pain in the ass, and a second-rate doctor at best...
- Dr. Cuddy: Am I blushing?
- Dr. House: ...but, you do know this stuff.
- Dr. Taub: Where is everybody else?
- Dr. House: Clinic's been quarantined. A patient came in with avian flu-like symptoms. And 50 extra dollars in spending money.
- Dr. Volakis: Does Foreman being here mean the game's over?
- Dr. House: It means the patient's life is almost over. You can call it what you want.
- Dr. Wilson: Dying's easy. Living's hard.
- Dr. House: That can't possibly be as poignant as it sounded!
- Dr. House: Amber! Please stand.
- Dr. Volakis: You didn't call me a bitch... is that bad?
- Dr. House: You only have three choices in life: be good, get good or give up. You've obviously gone for column D. [Turns to the patient] Why?
- Jimmy Quidd: I don't know.
- Dr. House: The simple answer is "If you don't try, you can't fail".
- [Amber sees "17" written under her nickname]
- Dr. Volakis: I have 17 points?
- Dr. House: Well, I started you all out on 100, and you blew up part of the building.
- Jimmy Quidd: What's wrong with you?
- Dr. Volakis: I got fired.
- Jimmy Quidd: W-what are you doing here?
- Dr. Volakis: Trying not to care.
- Jimmy Quidd: Yeah, that's not easy.
It's A Wonderful Lie (4.10)
- Dr. Kutner: Can we do a "Secret Santa"?
- Dr. House: I liked you better fifteen seconds ago when you were afraid for your job.
- Dr. House: There's a reason that everybody lies: it works. It's what allows society to function. It's what separates man from beast.
- Dr. Wilson: Oh, I thought that was our thumbs.
- Dr. House: You wanna know every place your mom's thumb has been?
- Dr. Wilson: I'm sorry, I missed rehearsal, am I taking the "truth is good" side? Don't you usually take that side?
- Dr. House: Lies are a tool - they can be used either for good or- no, wait, I've got a better one: Lies are like children: hard work, but they're worth it because the future depends on them.
- Dr. Wilson: You're so full of love....or something.
- Dr. Cuddy: You owe me 50 bucks.
- Dr. House: And you owe me half a lap dance.
- Dr. House: [walking with Wilson] Where're we going?
- Dr. Wilson: Nowhere, I just know it hurts you.
- Dr. House: I wanna hire 40 more fellows.
- Dr. Cuddy: You already fired the ones you hired?!
- Dr. House: They work better when they're scared.
- Dr. Taub: [enters] You were right, the guy slipped her ecstasy.
- Dr. House: Showing any symptoms?
- Dr. Taub: No. Kutner's starting her on hemodialysis and Thirteen's in the lab trying to figure out what the guy put in the drugs. [leaves]
- Dr. House: [annoyed] See! A clear, simple statement of facts describing their cooperation with absolutely no attitude of fear.
- Dr. Cuddy: [deadpan sarcastic] Something's gotta be done.
- Dr. House: Oh yeah!
- Dr. House: The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it’s actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year.
- Dr. House: I saw something amazing: pure truth. She told her mother that she was dying. Stripped her of all hope.
- Dr. Wilson: [haltingly] That sounds... horrible.
- Dr. House: It was like watching some... bizarre astronomical event you know you're never gonna see again.
- Dr. Wilson: You tell people the cold, hard truth all the time. You get off on it.
- Dr. House: Because I don't care. She cared, she did it anyway. She did it because she cared.
- Dr. Wilson: [sarcastically] The angels of Christmas have finally given House a present he can appreciate.
- Dr. House: Oh, don't ruin it. Don't pin this on Christ, he's got enough nails in him.
- Dr. House: Why don't you take that thing off that hat!
- Dr. Wilson: It's Christmas...it's a reindeer.
- Dr. House: It's a moose on a Jew.
- Dr. Wilson: Who cares? [He makes the hat's left antler flap.]
- Dr. House: [rolls his eyes] Are you a doctor? Did you go to med school since the last time I asked?
- Jane: You just think we gotta be lying-
- Dr. House: [cuts her off] White lies?
- Jane: What are those?
- Dr. House: Those are lies we tell to make other people feel better.
- Jane: I don’t lie.
- Dr. House: Rationalizations?
- Jane: What are those?
- Dr. House: Those are lies we tell to make ourselves feel better.
- Dr. Taub: Try bondage.
- Dr. House: I did once. She just tied me down and whined about how hard it is to be Dean of Medicine.
- Dr. House: Do you spell "homie" with a y?
- [Foreman looks at him questioningly]
- Dr. House: I want to be respectful.
Frozen (4.11)
- Foreman: [After Wilson explains House's courtship rituals] Oh my God! He's been wooing me for years!
- Dr. House: [To Wilson] You, for some reason, are happy.
- Dr. Wilson: [sarcastically] How dare you!
- Dr. House: Oh great, I can't get cable but I get the South Pole on hi-def.
- Cameron: I am not giving you cable; you're gonna have to somehow survive with broadcast networks alone.
- House: I'll be fine on Tuesdays...
- [At the time, House was airing new episodes on Tuesdays at 9]
- Dr. Wilson: [sarcastically] She said she cares about people? What a poser.
- Dr. House: You're wearing that shirt for someone.
- Dr. Wilson: The health department. They frown on topless oncology.
- Dr. Wilson: Why am I here?
- Dr. House: Because I wanna ask you about your girlfriend. I must know who she is, or you would’ve told me her name.
- Dr. Wilson: She doesn’t have a name, it’s some sort of... birth defect.
- Dr. House: There’s only about 12 people we both know. I can’t remember 5 of their names. So we’re down to Cuddy, your ex wives...
- Dr. Wilson: Your mama.
- Dr. House: Come on, Cate, let's get this over with.
- Dr. Wilson: [he mutes the microphone on the webcam] You used her name.
- Dr. House: Just trying to move things along, Bob.
- Dr. Kutner: [in response to House asking what is the right answer] ...I love you?
- Dr. House: Cutthroat bitch?!
- Dr. Wilson: Well, I just call her Amber.
- Dr. House: See all the good things that happen when you listen to me?
- Dr. House: "Did they teach that before or after the class on fondling your inner child?"
Don't Ever Change (4.12)
- Dr. House: [To Dr. Wilson] You don't like strong. You don't like assertive. You like needy. She's not dying is she?
- Dr. Wilson: Yes. Now go away.
- Dr. House: Religion is a symptom of irrational belief and groundless hope.
- Dr. House: People don't change. For example, I'm going to keep repeating "People don't change."
- Dr. Taub: She's nuts, but we can't just give her 10 cc's of atheism and send her home.
- Dr. Kutner: In college, I was really into science fiction. But not like the guys with the six-hundred-dollar prosthetic ears who could swear in Romulan.
- Yonatan Arnoff: The more you know someone, the more you should love them.
- Thirteen: No one can describe themselves in ten words. Why would we wanna hear anyone else do it?
- Dr. Foreman: People who have a problem with boxes are people who don't fit in them.
- Dr. House: She's not me. Well, she is me. But that's... not why she's attractive. She's a needy version of me.
- Dr. Wilson: Hard to imagine such a mythical creature.
- Amber Volakis: Hi Greg. I call you Greg because we're now social equals.
- Dr. House: And I call you Cutthroat Bitch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am.
- [Amber leaves House and Wilson at the bar while she complains to the restaurant's host about the long wait for a table]
- Dr. House: Look, now she’s going to hit him in the face with your testicles.
- Dr. Wilson: She tends to treat…She tends to treat every event like it’s the last copter out of Saigon.
- Dr. House: She’s the Anti-Wilson. A force for evil.
- Dr. Wilson: She has an annoying quality. Perhaps even two. If I was perfect, I’d date perfect.
- Dr. House: You like that!
- Dr. Wilson: It’s annoying, but she’s good at it.
- Dr. House: Wait a second, this isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she’s conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves…[his eyes widen, long pause] Oh my God! You’re sleeping with me!
- Dr. Cuddy: Are you sure she [Amber] doesn't wanna just take you back to her lair, hang you upside down, and deposit her eggs in you?
- Dr. Wilson: Excellent disguise, House.
- Dr. Kutner: Saw Amber drop off Wilson this morning.
- Dr. House: Yeah the male always drives the female.
- Dr. House: I wrote it in black, I'm always serious when I use black.
- Dr. Wilson: [To Dr. House] C'est la vie, and I use the French because you're an ass.
- Dr. House: You will trust my diagnosis, you'll let me treat her because in this temple, I'm Dr. Yahweh!
- Dr. House: If you do change, can't it be the part of you that chases me down the halls trying to change me?
- Dr. Wilson: Do you know what this means?
- Dr. House: That you've made ONE good dating choice. The fabric of the space-time continuum could unravel.
- Dr. Wilson: My whole world could expand. I could form a long term connection that isn't with you. And since you put the darkest possible construction on everything, you could end up losing a friend. You've thought of all this, and yet you're going along with it. Are you being self-sacrificing?
- Dr. House: I'll sacrifice a lab rat, I'll sacrifice a fly, I'll sacrifice $200 on a mudder at Monmouth Park. I don't sacrifice self.
- Dr. House: Solve this case and the job is yours.
- Amber Volakis: Is there a "Drop Wilson" clause attached to this?
- Dr. House: Standard contract all employees sign.
- Amber Volakis: Why do you have to believe I have an ulterior motive?
- Dr. House: For the same reason I believe that crack whores can have sex… for crack.
- Amber Volakis: All my life I thought I had to choose between love and respect. And I chose respect. And with Wilson… I know what it's like to have both. And that beats a fellowship.
- Dr. House: You've changed.
- Amber Volakis: I hope so.
- Dr. Cuddy: So alcoholics that successfully go through treatment don't exist.
- Dr. House: They're still alcoholics. If they never take another drink as long as they live only 'cause they didn't live long enough.
No More Mr. Nice Guy (4.13)
- Dr. Kutner: The world is a bell curve: most of us fall within the standard deviation but there are outliers and if we believe in the existence of extreme jerkiness, which I suspect that we do... [pauses and glances at House], then we also have to accept the existence of the opposite extreme.
- Dr. Taub: [to House] You were wrong.
- Dr. House: Why does everyone say that with such pleasure? It's very hurtful, you know.
- Dr. House: If you want to stop car accidents, take out the air bags and attach machetes pointing at their throats. No one will go over three miles an hour.
- Dr. House: I didn't invite you to be nice; I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves.
- Dr. Chase: What's the other?
- Dr. House: Other hand.
- Dr. House:I want joint custody.
- Amber Volakis: Of Wilson?
- Dr. House: Unless we have another love child?
- Dr. Cuddy: [reading House's performance review] A disturbingly large proportion of your comments are either racist or sexist.
- Dr. House: That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute. Would be an example of one of those.
- Dr. House: What you want you run away from, what you need you don't have a clue, what you've accomplished makes you proud, but you're still miserable. Please Sign.
- Dr. House: Taub and Thirty-One…
- Thirteen: Thirty-One?
- Dr. House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that either way was good with you.
- Dr. House: [to Cameron] Is he Canadian?
- Dr. Cameron: He's a low priority.
- Dr. House: Is that a yes?
- Dr. House: [On Wilson and Amber] I wish the best for them, and their tragically deformed children.
- Dr. Wilson: You two are like dogs circling each other in the park, [to Amber] and I say that with all the love in the world. You need to sniff each others butts, bare your teeth and arrive at some strange detante, otherwise you'll end up biting each other's eyes out, [to Amber] again: all the love in the world.
- Dr. House: [To Amber] I'll let you sniff first.
- Dr. Cameron: Are you comparing House to Hitler?
- Dr. Chase: Oh God.
- Dr. Cameron: Just because I don't think he's Hitler doesn't mean I slept with him. I don't sleep with everyone who's better than Hitler.
Living the Dream (4.14)
- Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
- Foreman: Don't know.
- Cameron: Don't have to know.
- Chase: Don't … care?
- House: [to Dr. Cameron, who is doing paperwork for him] Stick to the filing, sweetheart, let the doctors do the doctoring.
- Cameron: You will need to run an EMG test for motor nerve entrapment or the inspector will own your ass.
- House: Kutner! Leave the room. Wait thirty minutes, come back and tell her the test was negative.
- Kutner: Is it okay if I use that time to do the test?
- [The team is watching DVDs for research]
- Taub: Does sound a little forced… could be stiffening in his tongue, which is a symptom of myxoedema.
- Thirteen: It's not the tongue, it's the dialogue. I think I dated that nurse though… [House looks at her] …no.
- House: You want the star of the hottest daytime drama on TV to die in your hospital?
- Cuddy: I want you to cure him without committing any more felonies.
- House: I can't do my job when you're gonna tie my hands like that!
- Thirteen: We should have him spend a night in the sleep lab and see if he gets a reflex erection.
- House: Confirmation is for wimps and altar boys! We don't need to wait for a reflex. If he can't get engorged the way god intended, he can't get engorged. [looks at Cameron]
- Cameron: I'm not showing him my boobs.
- House: Lack of response to your chest tells us nothing. Thirteen, show him y… [he glances at Thirteen's chest] ...I gotta find a decent set of knockers around here. [he wanders off]
- Cameron: Your porn is in the second drawer.
- House: Dr. House. I don't think we've met.
- Dr. Conway: Dr. Jamie Conway. I've heard your name.
- House: Most people have: It's also a noun.
- Dr. Conway: Heard about House's patient. Bold move. And you backed him.
- Cuddy: He was right.
- Dr. Conway: He wasn't even in the same neighborhood as right.
- Cuddy: The patient's alive.
- Dr. Conway: Okay, the rules exist because 95% of the time for 95% of the people, they're the right thing to do.
- Cuddy: And the other 5%?...
- Dr. Conway: ...Have to live by the same rules. Because everybody thinks they're in that 5%.
- Cuddy: All I ask is that you tone it down for a few days.
- House: I want that TV.
- Cuddy: We're not bargaining.
- House: You want something. Either you're bargaining or you're begging.
- Cuddy: Me keeping my job is good for you.
- House: Yes, but it's better for you. I just want us to be equally happy. ... Got to go, need a decision.
- Cuddy: You're not going to cut your own throat?
- House: Yeah, that sounds like me.
- Evan Greer: You really as good as everyone seems to think you are?
- House: Are you really as miserable, as everyone seems to think you are?
- Evan Greer: I just wanna do something...that matters.
- House: Nothing matters, we're all just cockroaches, wildebeests dying in the riverbank, nothing we do has any lasting meaning.
- Evan Greer: And you think I'm miserable.
- House: You're unhappy on the plane, jump out of it.
- Evan Greer: I want to but...I can't.
- House: Hmm...that's the problem with metaphors, they need interpretation. Jumping out of the plane is stupid.
- Evan Greer: What if I'm not in a plane? What if I'm just in a place I don't want to be?
- House: That's the other problem with metaphors. Yes, what if you're really in an ice cream truck, and outside are candy and flowers and virgins? You're on a plane! We're all on planes. Life is dangerous and complicated, and...it's a long way down.
- Evan Greer: So you're afraid of change?
- House: No you're afraid to change. You'd rather imagine you can escape, instead of actually try. 'Cause if you fail, then you've got nothing. So you'll give up the chance of something real, so that you can hold on to hope. Thing is, hope is for sissies.
- Evan Greer: [Starting to hallucinate] When I get out of here I'm not gonna be afraid anymore. I mean, how many guys get a second chance?
- House: Too many. Half the people I save don't deserve a second chance.
- Wilson: I want a water bed. I’ve always wanted one; I know it’s ridiculous, it’s just, there’s something nice about the thought of being rocked to sleep in water. No mocking? No Freudian analysis of how the waterbed is really a great big vagina I want to crawl into?
- House: I’m ignoring you because you make me sad.
- House: As I suspected, you have significant losses in the upper right quadrant of your visual field.
- Evan Greer: Are you serious?
- House: No, it's a joke. Two guys go into a bar and one has significant losses in the upper right quadrant of his visual field. And the other one says, 'You're gonna need an MRI to confirm the type and location of the tumor.'
House's Head (4.15)
- Cameron: You're staying the night, we have to monitor your brain for swelling.
- House: How much bigger could it get?
- House: I'm going in, Rambo style.
- House: You have a brain tumor.
- Emo-Punk: You're kidding, right?
- House: If I was kidding, I'd be dressed like you.
- House: [Not remembering the names of Taub and Thirteen] Lesbian. Find out if anybody on that bus was taken to other hospitals.
- Thirteen: He just forgot mine.
- House: No, 13, I just wanted to call you a lesbian.
- Thirteen: I’m not a lesbian.
- House: I was rounding up from 50%.
- Wilson: A week ago you saw a symptom in a soap star.
- House: Bad argument, considering I was right about that.
- Thirteen: Why the bath?
- House: Hypnosis gave me a nose-picker, smells set off hallucinations, sensory deprivation should get the brain into an alpha-theta phase. Did you see Altered States?
- Thirteen: I don't think I was even born when that movie was out.
- House: Well then you're too young to be a doctor. That movie was released in 1980
- Thirteen: That was twenty-eight years ago.
- House: [Dismissively] No it wasn't, shut up.
- Thirteen: Did you just... forget what year it is?
- House: [After a beat] No, I just remembered how old I am.
- House: Give me some physostigmine, it crosses the blood-brain barrier.
- Thirteen: [Sarcastically cheery] ...And act like a nerve gas, stop your heart, and you'll go to heaven and be omniscient! Good idea, not gonna happen.
- Cuddy: I didn't know you rode the bus.
- House: I used to drive home after getting drunk, but some mothers got "MA-D-D".
- House: What are you doing here? You weren't on the bus with me.
- Cuddy: Then I guess this isn't a memory - this is a fantasy.
- House: If it's a fantasy, you'd be wearing this.
- [The camera cuts back to Cuddy, who is now dressed like a stripper]
- Cuddy: You're convinced your patient is dying and you want to waste your time with a sex fantasy?!
- House: Don't blame me, blame my gender.
- Cuddy: Well, I'm not here to indulge that, I'm here to help you figure out what symptom you saw. Your patient was driving the bus so all you could see was-
- House: [Interrupts] Why can't you do both?
- [Electronic music starts playing and Cuddy starts stripping provocatively while carrying out a differential diagnosis with House]
- Cuddy: [Stops stripping and looks at House] I'm distracting you. [starts to get up]
- House: No! [Cut back to Cuddy who is now dressed normally and sits down next to House] Dance, woman!
- Cuddy: [Resignedly] You'd rather be diagnosing.
- House: I screamed "no"!
- Cuddy: And your own subconscious ignored you. I guess you'd rather fantasize about finding symptoms. How screwed up is that?
- Nurse: Who are you talking to?
- House: My large colon!
- [House takes a pill]
- Cuddy: Is that vicodin?
- House: Nope, just a little memory pick-me-up.
- Cameron: [Grabs the bottle from him] Physostigmine.
- Cuddy: Are you crazy! Alzheimer drugs will make your brain go into overdrive!
- House: That's the point. Speed up my neural firing, turn up the voltage on my memory.
- Wilson: And blow out your heart. How many did you take?
- House: Just now, or including the ones I took on the way over?
- The Answer: What's my necklace made of?
- House: Amber
Wilson's Heart (4.16)
- Taub: I need to know if there's anything medically-relevant you couldn't share publicly.
- House: What is this? A Philanderers Anonymous intervention?
- [Thirteen feels uneasy watching a video on Amber's laptop.]
- Thirteen: It's not even close to relevant. [walks away]
- Kutner: [follows Thirteen] As long as we don't know what's wrong, we don't know what's relevant.
- Thirteen: [angry tone] Yeah, maybe they're having sex on a pile of asbestos. Go watch it.
- Thirteen: It's Amber.
- House: Normally, I'd be fascinated. Today, don't care. Get over whatever it is and do your job.
- House: Start her on IV interferon. I'll go tell Wilson.
- Foreman: Good idea. And I'll go nap because I was concussed last night and had a heart attack this morning. I'll tell Wilson. You go sleep.
- House: Thirteen, stick a needle in there. If there's pus, Foreman's right.
- Thirteen: Ultrasound is safer.
- House: I'm not asking you to stick it all the way through. Taub, do it.
- Thirteen: Wait, I can do-
- House: No, apparently you can't!
- [Thirteen walks out.]
- Wilson: We're not starting her heart till we're one hundred percent certain.
- Foreman: We're never one hundred percent certain!
- Wilson: You can't do this.
- House: It's not a good argument. It's not an argument at all. I'm sorry.
- Wilson: Cuddy's right. I was afraid to do anything. I thought if everything just stopped, it would be okay.
- House: And it's gonna be. Taub's starting treatment. We're doing everything-
- Wilson: Not everything. Before you warm her up, you said that you wanted to try deep-brain stimulation.
- House: There's no reason. We know the symptom. We know what I saw.
- Wilson: What if it's not the rash? What if you noticed the rash on the ambulance when we were putting her on bypass? What if there is still something else stuck inside your head?
- House: You think I should risk my life to save Amber's?
- [Wilson nods.]
- [House nods in agreement.]
- Wilson: You should call time of death.
- Cuddy: Technically, she's still alive. Could probably survive a few more hours by bypass. We can wean her off anesthesia, wake her up, give you a chance to-
- Wilson: Don't be cruel. Don't.
- Cuddy: Wake Amber up. See her again. Tell her what she means to you.
- Wilson: Wake her up to tell her that she's… [Wilson breaks down. Cuddy embraces him.]
- Cuddy: You are waking her up so that you could say goodbye to each other. She would want it.
- Thirteen: We should say goodbye.
- Taub: She didn't even like us.
- Kutner: We liked her.
- Taub: Did we?
- Foreman: We do now.
- Taub: What do we say?
- Kutner: We don't need to say anything.
- [House and Amber are sitting in an empty bus.]
- House: You're dead.
- Amber: Everybody dies.
- House: Am I dead?
- Amber: [pause] Not yet.
- House: I should be.
- Amber: Why?
- House: 'cause life shouldn't be random. 'Cause lonely, misanthropic drug addicts should die in bus crashes. And young do-gooders in love that get dragged out of their apartment in the middle of the night should walk away clean.
- Amber: Self-pity isn't like you.
- House: I'm branching out from self-loathing, self-destruction. [pause] Wilson is gonna hate me.
- Amber: You kinda deserve it.
- House: [pause] He's my best friend.
- Amber: I know. [whispers] What now?
- House: I stay here with you.
- Amber: Get off the bus.
- House: [shakes head] I can't.
- Amber: Why not?
- House: Because…Because it doesn't hurt here. I'm not…I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable. [pause] And I don't want him to hate me.
- Amber: Well, you can't always get what you want.
- [Amber raises her eyebrows in encouragement. House gives a nod and walks away.]
- Amber: [dying] I'm tired [Wilson nods]...I think it's time to go to sleep...
- Wilson: [crying] Just a little bit longer.
- Amber: We're always going to want...just a little bit longer.
- Wilson: I don't think I can do it.
- Amber: It's ok.
- Wilson: It's not ok...how can this be ok...why aren't you angry?
- Amber: That's not the last feeling...that I want to experience.
- [Wilson kisses Amber and turns off her life support]
- [Wilson comes home and finds a note from Amber]
- Amber's note: Sorry I'm not here...went to pick up House ♥ A
- [Wilson breaks down]
- Thirteen: You are the champion of not dealing with your problems...
- House: My grandson gave me a mug that says that.
Season 5
Dying_Changes_Everything_(5.01)">Dying Changes Everything (5.01)
- Cuddy: When was the last time you talked to him?
- House: I think it was after... when did his girlfriend die? He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn't want to step on your turf.
- Foreman: We just got a call from Patty Mishner from Womens majority, the women's rights...
- Cuddy: We know who she is.
- House: I dated her. Well, not really dated her, more metaphorically raped her by having a penis. [To Foreman] You did too.
- Thirteen: Why is everyone leaping to conclude a strong career woman's been made sick by her strong career? It's not B12. It's an insulinoma in her pancreas. It's making her hypoglycemic.
- House: Great, now everyone knows.
- Taub: You knew she had cancer?
- House: Is that what she said? I thought she said, "I am suddenly and irrationally defending the patient's strong career even though, in reality, she's just a glorified grunt, because I'm trying to convince myself that it's ok not to have a life because I don't have a life because I was tested for Huntington's and my lifespan's been cut in half."
- House: Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes everything.
- House: I'm busy.
- Thirteen: We need you to…
- House: Actually, as you can see, I'm not busy. It's just an euphemism for "get the hell out of here."
- Wilson: I just need a change of scenery.
- House: Buy a plant!
- Chase: You want me to do a second major surgery on a patient we almost lost during a first major surgery to see if she needs a third major surgery?
- House: People die! You, Amber, everyone. Don’t act like you just figured that out. I gave you a diagnosis. You don’t like it, there are exits on every floor.
- Thirteen: This is Dr. House. He's too brilliant for introductions.
- [Cuddy comes to House’s place]
- Cuddy: You mind if I come in?
- House: Not at all. Do you mind if I leave?
- [Cuddy heads the team while House is absent]
- Taub: What do you want us to do?
- Cuddy: The same thing you'd do if he was here.
- Taub: If he was here, we’d be asking him what to do.
- Wilson: I don't blame you for Amber's death. As much as I've tried to find a way to, I couldn't. But we're not okay. I didn't want to tell you the truth. I'm tired of protecting you and enabling you. We're not friends anymore, House. I don't think we ever were.
- [Cuddy forces Wilson and House to discuss their relationship]
- Cuddy: Talk to each other.
- House: [turns to Wilson]... How you doing? Good?
- Wilson: Fine, thanks.
- [Both try to leave]
- Cuddy: Ehh-ehh-ehh-ehh! Sit!
- [Both return to the sofa]
- Cuddy: See? The two of you are friends. Look how you both...
- House: ... think you're an idiot. We both also eat with forks. That doesn't really prove...
- Cuddy: Talk to him! Tell him how you feel of what he's doing.
- House: I told him he's an idiot.
- Cuddy: Tell him what you think about him leaving.
- House: I think he's an idiot.
- Cuddy: You're an idiot. He's in pain, and your response is just to emotionally blackmail him!
- House: You told me what your position is on that one. You're against it, right?
- Wilson: She hasn't told you in front of me. She needs to prove she's on my side.
- Cuddy: [referring to Wilson] Go to hell!
- House: So much for that theory.
- Wilson: I'd need a flowchart to explain all the ways in which that was ridiculously insensitive.
Not Cancer (5.02)
- House: Wanna be my friend?
- Lucas: No, you scare me a little.
- House: (after the patient hallucinated that he was going to chop her head off and looks at Foreman) Hallucinations. That's a brain thing, right?
Adverse Events (5.03)
- Cuddy: How did you know that I liked roses?
- PI Lucas : I was in your house last night.
Birthmarks (5.04)
- House: "Lost track of your speed"? I think that was Hitler's excuse. "Lost track of the Jews".
- House: To Wilson (in a fast voice): Struggle to resist one's captors is never pointless...Viva de la RESIST-ANCE!!!!
- House: My mom didn't call Cuddy, she called you! I knew you couldn't stay away. I knew you loved me too much.
- [House forces Wilson to confess that he cut himself off from House to regulate his life]
- House: Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it! Admit it!
- [Wilson grabs a bottle from the counter and hurls it into the stained glass window in rage. When he realizes what he has done, he looks mortified.]
- House: ...Still not boring.
- Wilson: I'm doing this for your mom.
- House: I'm not doing this at all. Join me on the dark side!
- House: Differential. Say you're a middle-aged chinese woman..
- Wilson: Fine.
- House: Say it.
- Wilson: "I'm a middle-aged chinese woman."
- Wilson: I guess no one gets to choose who their parents are. I'm not sure anymore we even choose who our friends are. [House glances up at him questioningly] I spoke with Cuddy, she hasn't filled my position yet.
- House: If you're coming back because you're attracted to the shine of my neediness... [Wilson smiles] ...I'd be okay with that.
- Wilson: I'm coming back because you're right. That strange annoying trip we just took was the most fun I've had since Amber died.
- House: [gives him a long look] You hungry?
- Wilson: [nods]
- [The two proceed to leave House's office]
- House: [pauses] Wilson. [Wilson looks at him] My dad's dead.
- Wilson: Yeah. My sympathies.
- House: [to Wilson] My ringtone for you is "Dancing Queen" by Abba
Lucky Thirteen (5.05)
- House: Thirteen, go stick a needle into your girlfriend's pelvis; and, no, that one wasn't a metaphor. Suck out some marrow; that one was.
- House: Okay, score of the score, scale of one to ten. (writes down number on chart)
- Thirteen: Don't answer.
- Spencer: *winces and then groans* SEVEN! [Thirteen looks at her with her eyes wide and slightly appalled.]
- House: [looking triumphant] Finally get one right. [holds out chart, and there's a big 7 written on it; Thirteen looks over at the chart with a glare]
- House: You're fired.
- Thirteen: What? You just defended me!
- House: No, I just prevented you from taking a drug test. Probably saved your career. I'm already responsible for one doctor with a drug habit. [takes a Vicodin pill]
- Thirteen: I don't have a drug habit!
- House: The slutty party girl is fun till she pukes on your shoes. Then she's just a pain in the ass.
- Lucas: What does that even mean, 'dating a hooker'?
- House: He's an idiot with a messiah complex. Savior to all who need saving. That's why his first wife had a wooden leg, second wife was Canadian. He's the one who needs to be saved.
- Lucas: From you or the ho?
- House: The ho's just using him for his money. [pauses] Wait, bad example.
- Lucas: Normally in situations, I'd follow the girl, find something embarrassing to show him. But since that's our starting position...
- Foreman: Do you think I'm boring?
- Chase: Yes.
- Foreman: You're saying that just to screw with me.
- Chase: Yeah! Why would you expect anything else?
- Foreman: I expect House to pull my strings, I expect Cameron to make me feel better, I expect the new team to kiss my ass, and I expect you to be honest, 'cause you don't give a crap.
- Chase: [thinks for a moment] Yes. You're boring. That speech was boring.
- Foreman: [sarcastic] Thanks so much.
- Chase: You don't let other people's problems affect you. You don't let your own problems affect you, and it's the screw-ups that make us interesting. You're never out of control, which is good... and boring. Never losing control means you're never putting yourself out there, never pushing your limits. On the other hand, you do have a tattoo, so maybe I'm wrong.
- House: Another life saved by girl-on-girl action.
- House: You're just upset because the whole time she was with you, she was thinking about my huge, throbbing... diagnostic skills.
- [House realizes that Thirteen had lesbian sex with the patient before her seizure]
- House: Oh yeah! Penthouse Forum meets medical mystery, maybe there is a god.
- House: People interest me, conversations don't.
- Foreman: Because conversations go both ways.
- Both: Like Thirteen.
Joy (5.06)
- [House watches as Cuddy is holding the newborn baby]
- House: Be prepared to tell her the words she's going to hear for the rest of her life: "Mommy has to go to work now."
- House: I need a genetic disease.
- Wilson: Oh, I'm sure you're carrying a few.
- [Cuddy is sitting crying on the floor of the nursery she created that might never be used; someone knocks at the door and she answers it to find House]
- Cuddy: It's really not the greatest time for gloating.
- House: [walking in] There's more than one baby in the sea. The world is full of teenaged boys riding bareback.
- Cuddy: [shaking her head] No, I'm done. I can't go through that again.
- House: You're quitting, just like you quit IVF.
- Cuddy: Yeah, just like that.
- House: There, you just said it again.[Cuddy smiles]That's too bad. You would have made a great mother.
- Cuddy: [looking up in disbelief] You son of a bitch. When I'm getting a baby, you told me I would suck as a mother. Now when I lose it, you tell me I'd be great as a mother. [Approaching House in anger] Why do you do that?! Why do you NEED to negate EVERYTHING!?
- House: [quietly] I don't know. [Cuddy stares at him]
- [House moves in and the two share a passionate kiss]
The Itch (5.07)
- Thirteen: What did Cuddy want?
- House: I kind of hit that last night so now she's all on my jock.
- Thirteen: Wow, she looks pretty good for someone on roofies.
- House: The Formster and the Camster kicking it old school. Thank God she's not trying to steal your job.
- Wilson: Did you speak to Cuddy last night?
- House: She's fine. Why would it take anyone more than a few hours to get over misplacing a baby?
- Wilson: You spoke to her?
- House: Kinda hit that, so she's all on my jock.
- Wilson: Whoa...wha..what?
- House: Huh. Everyone else thought I was kidding.
- Wilson: You hit? Like making out? Or full on sex or -
- House: Got a chart laid out with all the bases. I'll talk you through it.
- Wilson: Well, what are you going to do?
- House: What can I do? I'm going to ignore her for the rest of my life. This mosquito bite kept me awake -
- Wilson: Don't care about the bug bite. She's your boss.
- House: So now I have two reasons to ignore her. It was...just a kiss.
- Wilson: There's a reason -
- House: Yes. Those large things in her bra.
- Wilson: You were hiding it from me! Means it meant something to you.
- House: Yeah, I fiendishly concealed it within the phrase 'I hit that'.
- Wilson: If you dated Cuddy there would -
- [House is answering the phone]
- House: Sorry, I get better reception when you're not here.
- Cameron: With the risk of infection Chase won't actually -
- House: He's not going to do surgery in some crazy dude's house.
- Cameron: You just said -
- House: What I said was that Chase would put him under at the house, we'd take him into the hospital, open him up, do our thing, then slip him back into his room for the post-op, without him ever finding out that we tricked him. So that was implied.
- Cameron: Its unethical.
- House: He'll be asleep.
- Cameron: He gets to make his own calls, even if he's asleep.
- Wilson: Everything else good?
- Cuddy: Everything involving me kissing House is good oh God you dragged it out of me you're a genius. It's no big deal. I was feeling vulnerable, he's a friend, and I leaned on him.
- Wilson: Its funny, I've leaned on friends in the past, never leaned so far my tongue fell into their mouths.
- Cuddy: I don't think of House that way. I never have.
- Wilson: Why not?
- Cuddy: Well you know exactly how that would go: it'd start off exciting, we'd get caught up in the novelty and the hostility and the forbiddenness, and then we'd realise that the flirty hostility is just hostility, and his inability to open up is no longer exciting, it's just frustrating, and then it's the inevitable blow up and the recriminations, and we don't talk for two months.
- Wilson: Yeah. Well, that certainly proves you've never thought about House in that way.
- Cuddy: I get your point. I will be more careful with my tongue in the future.
- Wilson: That's not my point. Maybe novelty and hostility and forbiddenness doesn't have to end bad.
- [Cameron and Chase are wheeling the agoraphobic patient through the hospital corridor when Cuddy catches them]
- Cuddy: You do know they paged me when that much surgical equipment is signed out.
- Cuddy: House, you ok?
- House: Yes. We don't need to talk.
- Cuddy: Your hand. [looks at the mosquito bite]
- House: Huh. That's weird. I usually don't get get the stigmata until Easter.
- Chase: Right, forget about the patient. What is going on with you? This is why we left House's team! To avoid this constant flood of pure craziness.
- Cameron: It's why I left House. You got fired.
- Kutner: How am I supposed to know where you're looking?
- Taub: Here's a hint, it's the bloody part.
- Kutner: The whole thing's bloody, it's a guy with a hole in his body!
- Taub: It's like you've never done this before. Use the suction.
- Kutner: I will. And in fact I've never done this before because I went to med school, not nurse school.
- House: Foreman, listen to that little voice in your head that's coming from the telephone. Force feed him.
- House: Hey, Cameron, how would you like your old job back? I'm asking because it's the only way I can fire you.
- Cameron: Sorry, in ER we actually like to resuscitate dying people, not just let them flop around.
- Wilson: Have you considered that it's not my place you really wanna be walking into, right now?
- House: Ric Ocasek'll kill me if I ... Oh you mean Cuddy?
- Wilson: Yea, she' a little nuts. But she's beautiful, smart, funny, and most important, she can stand you.
- House: Yea, came here to have you lecture me on Cuddy, because there's a killer mosquito chasing me around my apartment.
- Wilson: House, there is no mosquito. This is all about Cuddy.
- House: Ahh, she's bugging me. Poetic.
- Wilson: Have you seen this bug?
- House: Have you seen this bite?
- Wilson: No, what I've seen is a suppurating wound that you've scratched and mutilated into a gangrenous state. Delusional parasitosis.
- House: [Pops a Vicodin] I am not imagining things.
- Wilson: House, you're a drug addict, you're always imagining things. You got bitten the night you kissed her, your itching always gets worse when you think about her. You need to address this.
- House: She's my boss
- Wilson: No, you're not afraid of authority; you're afraid she actually is right for you. You're afraid to take a chance because it's too big a chance. If it doesn't work with her, then maybe there's no one out there.
- House: I am not rationalizing. I'm better off alone. Also, have you seen her ass recently?
- Wilson: You're not staying here.
- House: Oh, come on.
- Wilson: [Pushing House off the couch] Nope, you can go home. Or, you're going to Cuddy's, you're gonna ring her doorbell, and you're gonna ask her out on a date like regular people do.
- House: At 3 in the morning? I thought regular people sleep.
- Wilson: Bye bye.
Emancipation (5.08)
- Wilson: So I take it you didn't ask Cuddy out.
- House: Yeah.
- Wilson: 'Yeah I didn't' or 'yeah I did'?
- House: Whichever means you almost had me convinced it was a good idea.
- Kutner: Not every teenager is having sex.
- Foreman: But every teenager is stupid.
- House: On the one hand, Kutner is right. Maybe she's a sweet young thing, not a screw up lying through her teeth. On the two hand, pregnancy test takes five minutes and we no longer kill rabbits, so in conclusion: shut up, do the test.
- House: Steroids could cause an irregular heartbeat, making her current one irregular-er-er.
- Cuddy: [to Foreman] House did something solely out of self interest? Freaky.
- Kutner: I treated her based on the symptoms she presented.
- House: You treated her based on empathetic orphan syndrome, almost killed her in the process.
- House: [to Kutner] Yesterday you were all bff, now you think she's pathological.
- House: I went to Cuddy's house. But I didn't go in. I went home without ringing either her metaphorical or actual bell.
- Wilson: Huh.
- House: You're processing.
- Wilson: I'm scrubbing.
- House: 'Huh' means processing.
- Wilson: 'Huh' means acknowledging. If you prefer I can say 'hah', or 'hmm' or -
- House: No insights, no opinions? You're disappointing.
- Wilson: You made a decision. I can't tell you what's right for you.
- House: Seriously? Because last week you could. Last year you could. It seems to come pretty easy to you.
- Wilson: Do you want me to tell you what you should do?
- House: I want you to stop thinking that acting inscrutable makes you anything other than annoying.
- Wilson: Interesting. [walks off]
- House: [calls after him] Holding things in can give you cancer!
- Thirteen: We could save this patient but all you care about is getting your answer!
- House: Your point being?
- [About Foreman]
- Chase: Think we gave him an idea?
- Cameron: Either that or he's off to kill House.
- [Taub and Thirteen are having an argument in the office]
- House: Trying to sleep here!
Last Resort (5.09)
- Jason: Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr. Cuddy.
- House: [rooting through Cuddy's desk] Well, she's either not here or she's under the desk. Either way, you're going to have to wait outside till I'm finished.
- Jason: Do you know when she'll be back?
- House: Yes. Which is why I need you to get out and leave me alone.
- House: If you don't think your life is worth more than someone else's, sign your donor card and kill yourself.
- House: The martyr's heart is beating dangerously slow.
- House: Your obsession is going to kill her!
- Jason: Your obsession gave me back the gun.
- Jason: This is my body. This is my life. There’s a truth out there. I’d rather rot in jail knowing than…I can’t handle not knowing.
- House: Yeah.
- Jason: I’ve never been anywhere south of Florida.
- House: You idiot.
- Jason: Florida counts?
- House: Well, not to the supreme court, but it’s warm enough for germs. You’ve been blaming doctors and you can’t even give a halfway decent history.
- House: I need to slap you. For diagnostic purposes. Seriously. If I were jerking you around I’d say that I needed to kick you in the groin.
- House: Good idea. Oh, damn, I left my CT machine in my other pants.
- House: I can't decide which is riskier; taking crazy risks, or taking advice on crazy risks from a crazy risk taker.
Let Them Eat Cake (5.10)
- House: [To Cuddy, talking on the phone] Have you seen my balls?
- Cuddy: [To person on phone] Can you hold on a second? [Looks at House]
- House: My balls. Have you seen my balls? Giant one and the red one...
- Cuddy: Your plan isn't going to work.
- House: Of course it is. I try to make you miserable, to make you leave; you deny that it's making you miserable and try to make me miserable, so I'll stop making you miserable, and eventually you will leave, citing reasons that had nothing to do with misery...
- Cuddy: You're not bothering me.
- House: Step 1: complete.
- Cuddy: [To person on phone] I'm going to call you from my cell. [Hangs up phone] And then I will come back in here! [To person on cell phone] Hey. Yeah... I just had to explain to him that I had his balls and he's not getting them back. [Walks by House] Excuse me.
- House: Forget the bypass. Treat her like a fat girl.
- Taub: We treat her like a sixty-year-old Asian man, too? She's not fat.
- House: Not on the outside. But on the inside, she's still tons of fun.
- Patient: If surgery could somehow make you taller, would you do it?
- Taub: Sure, but I wouldn't call a meeting of the Lollipop Guild and tell them they can grow if they work real hard at it.
- Kutner: What's Cuddy doing in your office?
- House: Other than throwing off the feng shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?
- Cuddy: [from the other room] These walls aren't sound proof!
- House: I'm well aware.
- [after Foreman and Thirteen argued about the clinical trials - Thirteen told Foreman that 15 minutes early or late isn't going to make a difference]
- House: (to Thirteen) Way to know where your bread is buttered, sister. Up high! [sticks his hand out for a high five, but Thirteen refuses]
- House: Wow! Muscles and curves! My penis is so confused!
Joy To The World (5.11)
- Patient: I'm a virgin, so is my fiancé.
- House: I believe him.
- Patient: Are there other ways I could get pregnant? Like...sitting on a toilet seat?
- House: Absolutely. There would need to be a guy sitting between you and a toilet seat, but yes, absolutely. [Before walking out] I was doing so well...
- [House is in the clinic, attempting to rise to Wilson's challenge to be civil to other people. A patient with asthma is complaining that her inhaler is ineffective.]
- Patient with asthma: I go through one a week.
- House: Are you sure you're using it right?
- Patient with asthma: Of course I'm using it right. Do I look like an idiot?
- [slight pause while House clearly struggles not to say what he's thinking]
- House: Okay...why don't you show me how your inhaler works.
- [the patient retrieves her inhaler from her purse. She releases two puffs from it, one on each side of her neck, as though applying perfume. She looks at House triumphantly.]
- [shot of House, smiling tightly, then cut to shot of the clinic lobby. The exam room door opens and the patient strides out quickly, looking angry.]
- Patient with asthma: Jerk.
- Wilson: Irene Adler. Christmas, 2001. Sarcoid symptoms, but she didn't respond to methotrexate. I've never seen him so obsessed. He saved her with a last minute Wegner's diagnosis, but the hours he put in, I thought it would kill him. And then ... well, he fell for her. But, it was too soon after Stacy. It sounds silly, but Irene was the one who got away.
- Kutner: Really?
- Wilson: No, you idiots! House is just screwing with you. You think there's some woman with a mysterious green wrapping paper trademark?
- Taub: Then, how did you guess...
- Wilson: I could be wrong. It's possible a secret admirer gave House the same book I gave him last Christmas, and the same paper I wrapped it in, and the note I wrote.
Painless (5.12)
- Foreman:: You think I got her into the trial because I want to have sex with her?
- House: I think you got her into the trial because of your messiah complex. I think you changed her schedule because of your I-like-to-have-sex complex.
Big Baby (5.13)
- Kutner: [to Thirteen] You slept with Foreman?
- Thirteen: Sorry, you were busy.
- [Kutner makes a cut in the patient’s arm as part of a bleeding-time test.]
- Thirteen: Time zero.
- Kutner: I’m impressed. You didn’t even flinch.
- Patient: [smiles] I just went to my happy place.
- Thirteen: [pauses while writing on her clipboard, eyes going wide] We cannot let House anywhere near this woman.
- Kutner: Where is your happy place?
- Patient: My class. With them.
- Thirteen: Past the first mark.
- Kutner: It’s a great thing you do.
- Patient: Not really. You know, most kids, typical children, you hand them a pair of scissors and they cut. Well, Tony—he’s got CP. And when I gave him scissors, we went on a journey together. Learning to get his fingers in those holes, to get the scissors apart, to hold the paper. I mean, when he finally learned to cut, we both just…wept with joy.
- [Thirteen and Kutner look at each other and smile.]
- Kutner: [to the patient] If you ever meet our boss, just yes or no answers, okay?
- [Cameron has just approved a likely-unnecessary medical prodecure for House's patient, and House is trying to figure out why.]
- House: Some people thought you were gonna be brutal. Marking your territory.
- Cameron: Who?
- House: Nobody. And just because I call him 'nobody' doesn't make me a racist.
- Cameron: I am not gonna play games. If you come to me with a request and it makes medical sense, I'll say yes.
- House: I need oral sex. [Cameron stares at House.] Pretty sure biological imperative qualifies as medical sense.
- Cameron: Can I return my phone call now?
- House: I don't really see how that's gonna be possible.
- Kutner: (To House) Cameron approved the procedure?
- House: (snarky tone, while scrubbing up for the surgery) No, I'm just obsessed about clean cuticles.
Unfaithful (5.15)
- House: If she [Cuddy] invited you to a ceremonial lynching, would you go?
- Wilson: It would depend on what she was serving.
- House: Why do the Lord's work if the Lord has already left the building?
- Daniel: I've been with the Church my entire adult life. It's my only marketable skill.
- House: I detect a stink of leftover faith.
- Daniel: You wanna talk about hypocrisy? What about you? You act like you don't care for anyone but here you are, saving lives...
- House: Solving puzzles... Saving lives is just collateral damage.
- Daniel: Yeah, nice try. I think you're not looking for somebody to prove you right. You're looking for someone to prove you wrong. To give you hope. You wanna believe, don't you?
- House: [pause] I wanna walk out and find myself in a forest of whore trees. But I don't think it's a good idea to tell people to fornicate with fruit.
- [Taub and Thirteen inform House with Daniel's latest test results]
- House: So Father Nietzsche has AIDS...
- Daniel: Einstein said, "Coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous."
- House: Woman in Florida said, "Look, Jesus is on my cheese sandwich."
- Wilson: Raising a child on her own is scary. She's just doing what you do, what everyone does: Trying to avoid pain.
- House: Religion is not the opiate of masses. Religion is the placebo of masses. You're saying she's not a hypocrite.
- Wilson: I'm not. I'm trying to give you a rational reason to overlook her hypocrisies so you don't feel like a hypocrite going.
- House: Oh sorry, continue.
- Wilson: Okay. Even if an absolute truth exists, we can't know all of it. And you can't condemn her for recognizing that.
- [After a pause House starts covering the symptoms with a file]
- Wilson: You're eliminating symptoms?
- House: We can't know everything.
- Wilson: This is medicine not metaphysics.
- House: Truth is truth. [Erases "Hallucination" off the board] It fits.
- Wilson: It doesn't fit. You can't eliminate a symptom.
- House: I can if it's not a symptom.
- Wilson: What is it?
- House: Not a symptom. [walks out]
The Softer Side (5.16)
- House: [to Cuddy] I think my penis stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?
- Cuddy: Looks like your brain is okay. Pupils are equal, round and reactive.
- House: I'm fine... other than the fact that my nurples are now purple. [Glares at Foreman then says to Thirteen] No wonder you broke up with him. I'm surprised yours are still attached. By the way, I can see that from here.
- [Kutner comes to check if House has respiratory arrest again]
- House: Back off. Only Thirteen gets to grab my nipples this time.
- House: Unless the next stanza reads "Hoping to fry my brain to death, I smoked some primo crystal meth," I'm not interested.
- Thirteen: You really think House took too many Vicodin?
- Foreman: The guy pops them like candy, I'm surprised it hasn't happened before.
- [House is puking into a bin]
- Wilson: You idiot!
- House: Okay, I admit it. I have bulimia. I look good, though, don't I?
- Wilson: Heroin. Heroin?! House, of all the stupid...
- House: I'm not on heroin.
- Wilson: I just caught you with your fingers down your throat.
- House: I'm on methadone. Stupid product, heroin without the high.
- Wilson: Yea, and twice the risk of death.
- House: No risk of arrest.
- Wilson: You nearly died.
- House: Today was a fluke, I nodded off.
- Wilson: Right, you're safe as long as you never sleep again. Mistime your dose, you die. Couple of drinks, you die. Mix it with the wrong drugs, you die. You wanna detox from Vicodin, pick something that won't kill you.
- House: I'm not detoxing.
- Wilson: If you're looking for something to help with your pain...
- House: Doesn't help my pain. It eliminates it.
- [He throws his cane into a dumpster, and walks away]
- House: My leg doesn't hurt anymore.
- [House walks off into the distance without limping]
- House: This is the only me you get.
Here Kitty (5.18)
- House: [to Morgan] Could you come back later? I have some business I'm conducting with the Prince of Nigeria.
- Cuddy: You have a patient waiting, see?
- House: I'm waiting for a follow-up.
- Cuddy: If you're talking about Mr. Kasden, he has a 'deceased' sticker on his file, as do all the other follow-ups you have scheduled for today.
- House: [to Morgan] If you're going to kill me and rape me, please do it in that order.
- House: [Morgan has just collapsed on the floor] [To Foreman] Quick, before she goes without attention for eight seconds.
- Cuddy: You want to treat her? She's a nut job.
- House: Don't we all have quirks? Aren't those eccentricities what make us human?
- Morgan (on video): It's like Debbie's here on Earth to bring people to the other side.
- House: [shrugs] Nut jobs get sick, too.
- Cuddy: [Mockingly] So, you think this cat story is nonsense, and you admit she faked her earlier symptoms, but you still think she's actually sick now?
- House: Well, anything would sound ridiculous if you said it in that voice.
- Cuddy: Confirm she's faking, or I'm going to have to kick her out.
- House: There's that voice again.
- Cuddy: I'll give you 24 hours.
- House: Consecutive?
- Morgan: I'm not a Munchausen. I'm going to die unless you help me.
- House: You're going to have to come up with something more original.
- Morgan: A cat predicted my death.
- House: Cats make terrible doctors. Oh, no, wait. That's women. You're screwed.
- House: [to Taub] Is it related to your money worries?
- Kutner: What money worries?
- House: Extrapolating from the fact that he's been skipping his morning muffin, I'd say he lost almost all his money on the market last year.
- Taub: I'm on a diet.
- House: I'm also extrapolating from the online portfolio you forgot to log off. But mostly the muffins.
- Kutner: Why are you pushing a crash cart?
- House: Because patients sometimes crash, and they haven't yet invented a crash tractor for me to drive wildly around the hallways.
Simple Explanation (5.20)
- Cameron: (to House) Did you deduce that by removing your sunglasses to the strains of a Who song?
- House: Living in misery sucks marginally less than dying in it.
Saviors (5.21)
- House: Your favor's been repaid. Patient's cured. He's already packing for an Earth Day extravaganza next week.
- Cameron: He almost died. Can't take a few days at home with his family?
- House: People only change after a trauma if they wanted to change before the trauma. Or if they watched too many after school specials.
- Cameron: You're talking about Chase.
- House: Talking about you. Death of the husband number 1... No surprise the death of colleague would make you question another long term lease.
- Cameron: You're teaching commitment classes. 'Cause I'm sure you were busy with your lecture...
- House: [interrupts] I'm sure that was gonna be hysterical. Let me just give the cliffs notes. Don't try to dump him by dumping cases on me.
- Cameron I told you I never wanted to dump Chase.
- House: Absolutely. You want him to dump you. It's totally different, much less guilt. Either way, you're out of reasons to avoid him. Kutner was a dumb one to begin with.
- Amber Volakis: :[Leaning on House's piano] Solved another case. Busted Wilson... [to House's ear] Looks like you're not losing it after all...
- House: [To Wilson] You manipulative bitch!
House Divided (5.22)
- Amber: [part of House's hallucination and trying to write on House's white board] Damn imaginary pen!
- Cuddy: [on why Wilson is not answering his phone] He must have left it in his pants, which he was not wearing when the police picked him up trying to walk home- oddly from his own apartment!
- Cuddy: House, please talk to me.
- [House looks at her, then at Amber]
- House: I haven't slept through the night since Kutner killed himself.
- Thirteen: [after she and Foreman were sent to scout strippers for Chase's bachelor party] The fact that you sent me on a scouting mission...
- Amber (House's hallucination): No skirts.
- House: You're not on the guest list. Bachelor parties are an ancient and sacred male rite of passage.
- Thirteen: If I get drunk enough there's a chance I might make out with one of the strippers. Or become one.
- House and Amber: SOLD!
- Wilson: My wife and I eloped to escape House's bachelor party... (Chase looks unimpressed) Have you seen 'Caligula'?
- House: [coming to Wilson for a consult] Is he telling you to avoid the party?
- Wilson: I took an oath to do no harm.
- House: What exactly did my team do?
- Amber (House's hallucination): Look good in their lab coats. Except for Taub.
- House: I tried to kill Chase. Why would I do that? I don't want Cameron.
- Amber (House's hallucination): You're not a big fan of other people's happiness, either...
- Chase: [To House] You're evil. See ya.
Under My Skin (5.23)
- [After Cuddy ignores House's quitting to make it on time for her baby]
- House: Go suckle that bastard child that makes you feel good about yourself.
- Cuddy: Screw you... [walks out]
Both Sides Now (5.24)
- Wilson: [after House told him that he's been off Vicodin for 24 hours and he slept with Cuddy] Wow ... WOW. One for each.
- House: That's what she said. [fake laughs]
- Wilson: So....How are you going to screw it up?
- House: [with thermal pictures of Cuddy] She was either lying to me yesterday or today. I want to find out when.
- Wilson: [sarcastically] And thermal imaging is definitely the way.
- House: [while on his cell phone with a patient] I'm sorry but I'm going to lose connection because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
- Taub: The deodorant has a high proportion of propylene glycol. Same stuff made a kid in Singapore develop a heart condition, and get this: seizures. Our patient may have never needed split-brain surgery.
- House: I'm sure he'll half appreciate the irony.
- Cuddy: This is beyond ass-hood! You have the luxury of not caring about your image, I do not! I can permit a lot of crap, but an employee shouting about his sexual exploits with me, no! That is zero tolerance! So congratulations House, I am angry.
- House: I was wondering if we should move in together.
- Cuddy: [laughs] You're fired.
- Amber hallucination: So, this is the story you made up about who you are. It's a nice one.
- Kutner hallucination: Too bad it isn't true.
- House:(To Cuddy) I'm not okay.
Season 6
Broken_(6.01)">Broken (6.01)
- House: [to a patient playing basketball, who is claustrophobic] Am I crowding you? [getting in the patient's space]
- House: Dry heaves are gone and so am I.
- House: And he's black. You'd think you'd be a little more sensitive on the slavery issue.
- House: I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy.
- House: [Mockingly] I don't wanna practice medicine. I wanna be an astronaut.
- House: Is that a popular new treatment? Blackmail?
- House: Is suicide taboo? Or is it just irrelevant?
- House: I want to deal with my problems some place where I can get a decent cappuccino.
- House: Seriously, anorexia? Were you supposed to be a girl? And in answer to your implicit question, yes those pants make you look fat.
- House: So how upset were you when you woke up in the ER and you were still alive? And a failure?
- House: It's table tennis, not table volleyball, and with no net, it's table nothing.
- House: Then we can assume the girl he's with is named 'Nooner.
- House: (to Alvie) You're my only friend. And I hate you.
- House: How come every time you compliment me it sounds like an accusation?
- House: What exactly is the difference between pretending to cooperate and actually cooperating?
- House: Hi. It's like hello, only shorter.
- House: I'm sick of being miserable
- House: They didn't break me. I am broken.
- House: I started to connect with one guy but then my propensity for screwing things up overtook me. And then my desire to have fun overcame my propensity.
- House: Successes only last until someone screws them up. Failures are forever.
- House: I'm sorry I pushed you away. That's what I do when I'm afraid.
- House: We're all pathetic. It's what makes everything interesting.
Epic Fail (6.03)
- House: Bed is for sissies. Unless you're having sex, in which case... no, bed is still for sissies.
- House: Like breaking up with a clingy girlfriend. Sure I'll miss the sex but now I get to drink milk right out of the carton.
- House: Right, doctors world-over treat chronic pain with collections of Hummel figures.
- House: Difference is, Beethoven's Fifth isn't going to be poop tomorrow.
- Wilson: Try not to be a jerk.
- House: I'm trying. I'm just failing.
- Wilson: Roll your meatballs and keep an open mind. (After a few seconds) How hard are you trying not to make a ball joke right now?
- House: They're smoking. Your balls.
- Wilson: Oh! Ow. No, no. They're browning way too fast.
- House: Blue is the color you got to watch out for.
- Wilson: Enough!
- House: I'm an addict; I turn everything up to an eleven.
- House: I went crazy, not stupid.
- House: I leave, Foreman embraces his inner Mugabe…
- House: Daddy's little co-dependent is all grown up. Making room for Daddy's hot bisexual with boyfriend problems.
- Thirteen: It's not a problem, it's a … okay, it's a problem.
- House: Taste this.
- Thirteen: God. This might be the best thing I've ever eaten … and yes, I'm including what you're thinking of now.
- Foreman: I got you a donut. [pause] The florist was closed.
- Thirteen: I'll get a vase and put it in water.
- House: Started thinking about what you said; about me obsessing; started obsessing about obsessing.
- House: How like a man to think I enjoy slaving over a hot stove all day while you're off banging secretaries.
- House: That's like adopting a puppy; suddenly someone's whining, following me everywhere, chewing up my LP's...
- House: If you wanted a quickie, you should have called ahead; I'm a mess.
- House: The only thing you know is that I'm a genius who got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don't know how I did it, or more interestingly, where I peed.
- House: (about his urine) If the lab says this is Labrador too, please let me know right away. It'd explain my overwhelming desire to wipe my butt on your carpet.
The Tyrant (6.04)
- [Foreman, Cameron and Chase enter the office]
- House: Oh my God it's three years ago! — Does that mean I'm still crazy?
- [Thirteen got a job offer]
- Foreman: Douglas owes me a favor.
- Thirteen: Most people send chocolates.
- Foreman: I'd stand outside your apartment all night holding a boombox, except you told me you hate eighties music.
Instant Karma (6.05)
- House: People don't get what they deserve. They get what they get. And there's nothing anyone can do about it.
Brave Heart (6.06)
- [Chase is sitting in a church confessional]
- Chase: I killed a man. I need to know what I can do to be forgiven.
- Minister: Ten Hail Marys aren't enough to absolve this.
- Chase: I did the right thing. I couldn't let him take the lives of thousands.
- Minister: But as a doctor, you know taking the life of a patient is wrong.
- Chase: Can't I just ask God for forgiveness? That's why I'm here.
- Minister: I told you what you need to do. You have to turn yourself in.
- Chase: ...No. I... did... the right thing.
- House: [after having a "conversation" with his father] Wilson! This is stupid!
- Wilson: [smiling] See? [talking to Amber] I told you he's getting better.
- Cuddy: This is the part where I play the employer and you play the employee.
- House: I can see your nipples. Your turn.
- Cuddy: I sent this to State Licensing Board. I've signed off on all your hours.
- House: Why?
- Cuddy: Because it's easier this way.
- House: You're uncomfortable with me.
- Cuddy: No. Going by the book is pointless. You're gonna learn nothing.
- House: Good. I thought it was because of the sexual tension.
- Cuddy: There was no sexual tension.
- House: There was tension. And it made me feel funny, so...
- Cuddy: Here. [hands him the letter]
- House: It's too bad. I was kinda getting into the whole hot for teacher thing.
- Cuddy: Are you sure you're okay?
- House: Yeah. False alarm... what about us?
- Cuddy: We're good, just like this. You press my buttons, I press yours.
- House: By buttons you mean... [epiphany] huh... [on his way out] You do make me feel funny.
- Donny: How do I know you're not still lying to me? Saying I'm healthy just to make me feel better...
- House: Does sound way, doesn't it? But this time, no sugar pills. I'm gonna cut into your brain to make you think I'm fixing it. And if our fake test confirms it, I'm gonna be cutting into your son's brain too because I'm just that committed.
- Donny: Michael's gonna be okay?
- House: Unless he walks out of here and gets run over by a bus, in which case I'll reconsider your fate argument. [rises to leave] Wanna give him a call? Visiting hours don't apply to my patients.
- Donny: Yeah, in a bit.
- House: Yeah, that's what I thought. This "saving the kid from pain" stuff is crap. You just don't want anything in your life that won't let you do whatever the hell you wanna do whenever the hell you wanna do it. You've had it easy. Sorry to screw you up.
Known Unknowns (6.07)
- House: Really, I've got no idea what's wrong with her. So odds are… not fatal.
- Chase: You lit the fuse, you need to watch the bomb go off.
- House: [giving his diagnosis on the phone] Now Cameron… pick up the phone and give me a dramatic exit.
- Cuddy: Tell me what you came here for, House.
- House: I've got a legitimate medical reason.
- Cuddy: You must be so proud.
- House: [Sees Cuddy's breasts in a low-cut top] I've forgotten it.
- House: I guess it's no big deal since I was only using it as an excuse to come check out Patty and Selma.
- Cuddy: I feel bad. I haven't named your testicles.
- House: Word on the street is you set a new personal best for low-cut.
- Cuddy: I don't know why you chose to give them names of somebody's aunts.
- House: It's a compliment. They're always smoking.
- Wilson: Yes you can sit here running up my hotel bill or you can go get the woman of your dreams
- House: I didn't know Angela Merkel was attending the conference
Teamwork (6.08)
- House: This envelope is oddly medical-license-shaped.
- Foreman [Chase and Cameron walk into House's office]: House is back in charge. We get to treat a porn star.
- House [to Taub]: The only obstacle to you coming back is your wife. And she's never been much of an obstacle to you.
- House: I was w… I was wrwrw…
- Chase: What were you wrong about?
- House: Any idea where I can get a "Mission Accomplished" banner?
- House: I just need a good friend!
Ignorance Is Bliss (6.09)
- House: (Chase is not particpating in the diagnosis) Say somethimg or I'll get your ex-smarter half on the phone and ask her!
- Chase: House.......... (gets up and punches House in the face)
- House: Put it on Dr.Wilson's tab.
- Cashier: I don't know who Dr. Wilson is. And we don't have tabs.
- House: Do you know who I am?
- Cashier: No.
- House: Good. [leaves]
- Foreman: TTP is a better fit.
- Thirteen: He's right.
- [Silence]
- Thirteen: You thought I wouldn't agree with him? Ever?
- House: You didn't agree with him. That's why he dumped you. — Oh… sorry. it was mutual.
- Chase: I've got it under control.
- Foreman: That's what you said about the Dibala incident. And obviously you didn't.
- Chase: And talking about it obviously made things so much better.
- Thirteen: Speaking of House… why did you come back? You must've taken a major paycut.
- Taub: Life's too short to worry about money.
- Thirteen: Your wife feels the same way?
- Taub: She's happy to cut back on some things — like… sex.
- Taub: I trust you had a wonderful Thanksgiving?
- Chase: I don't remember. So I guess, I did.
- House: Sorry, I can't remember if I mocked you yet for being a male nurse.
- Male nurse: I think this counts.
- House: Fair enough.
- House: Sixteen splenectomies. Pretty sure he gets a set of steak knives with that.
- House: You'd be surprised what you can live without.
Wilson_(6.10)">
Wilson (6.10)
- Wilson: Where's House?
- Taub: Performing his ritual hiding-from-Cuddy-to-avoid-getting-a-new-case dance. It's kind of a jazz-fusion kind of thing.
- Thirteen: He's probably eating lunch in the morgue.
- Wilson: I'm not here for an argument, House!
- House: No. Right. That's room 12A.
- House: Religion just killed another person.
- House [after Wilson asks if he'll be at his transplant surgery]: No... If you die I'm alone.
- House: Disappointment is anger for wimps.
- Wilson: A problem delayed is a problem denied.
- Wilson: You can't change a table
- House: Actually you can. You just need a bucket of paint and the guts to use it.
The Down Low (6.11)
- House: He won't tell us anything. Understandable, since he's a drug dealer.
- Thirteen: So he's dangerous and withholding, which you find irresistible. But guys like that, they never call.
- Mickey: An adult wants to get wasted, why is it anybody's business what substance they use?
- Taub: Because some of those substances are against the law.
- Mickey: So your problem isn't that it's immoral. Your problem is that it's illegal. I got the same problem.
- Wilson: I ran into Nora this morning. She told me about your Evita listening party.
- House: The London and New York recordings are so different.
- Wilson: You were supposed to tell her that we're straight.
- House: She didn't believe me, either.
- House: I'd like to date her. In the sense that I'd like to jump her repeatedly.
- House: That receiver doesn't respond to manual stimulation. Maybe if you took off your shirt.
- Thirteen: Actually, I resorted to something more exotic. I call it reading the instructions. Turns out if you screw the antennae into the wrong sockets, it doesn't actually work.
- Taub: Knowing this guy's an undercover cop doesn't get us any closer to curing him.
- House: Good point. You know what they say. Information is not power. Wait...
- Chase: Guy's a hero. He's risking his life to put these dealers in jail.
- House: I'm sure the dealers who take their places will be very grateful.
Remorse (6.12)
- Thirteen: Why do you want to meet her so badly?
- House: Psychopaths always fascinate me. I think it's their cultural literacy and strong family values. Or is that Jews?
- House: Those of you who haven't slept together, you can go. Everyone else, stay behind.
- [Chase gets up and leaves, but Taub just sits there, looking at House]
- Taub: Oh. Sorry. (to Thirteen) That was our secret, right?
- House: (to Foreman and Thirteen) Go have sex.
- Thirteen: No, thanks.
- House: Fine, I'll cover the Viagra and the lubricants. Just get me a receipt.
- Foreman: We have zero feelings for each other.
- House: Well, that's too bad, 'cause things worked much better when you did. Would it help if I slept with her?
- House: So when you watch Star Wars, which side do you root for?
- Valerie: Dr. House. What are you doing?
- House: Just checking in on your radiotherapy.
- Valerie: From what I hear, you never visit patients. And now, you've come to chat with me twice.
- House: I want to know how you like being a management consultant. I'm thinking of getting into it. That or psychopathy maybe. Which pays better?
- Valerie: I think you're already into one of them. Dr. Hadley made a joke yesterday. She said I sound like you.
- House: I'm sure you understand what “joke” means.
- Valerie: So you're not just out for yourself? For example, you would never interrupt a sick woman's treatment just because of some personal obsession?
- House: Of course I'm self-interested. We all are. We're born that way. The rest of us are born with consciences.
- Valerie: Which is something you just sound ecstatic about.
- House: I'm not saying it's logical. I'm just saying it's human.
- Valerie: So if you know your conscience is just an animal instinct, you don't need to follow it. I think you realize that. That's why you're talking to me.
- Chase: I'd give her a day. Two days at the most.
- House: Great. You be the clock. Everyone else will be the doctors.
- House: Man, one false accusation from a psychopath, and you turned out to be a real bummer. I'm gonna go see if Wilson has any liver left.
- Wilson: (entering the office) What are you doing?
- House: Paying Wibberly's mortgage for a few months. (rips check out of the book) Congratulations on another successful round of hectoring.
- Wilson: Wait a minute, is that actually a check for him?
- House: No. It's a giant novelty item for winning the lottery. You're just standing really far away.
Moving the Chains (6.13)
- House: (looking at patient's hand) You're turning white.
- Glenda: (patient's mother) What does that mean?
- House: It means he doesn't need football to get a good job anymore.
(House and Wilson were talking in House's office, when Taub and Chase enter about the football player's condition)
- Wilson: (leaving, speaking to Taub and Chase) Your boss is secretly a very nice man. (a stunned silence from Taub and Chase looking at House)
- Taub: (in amazed stupor) I know.
- House: (walks in with a cut on his face)
- Thirteen: What happened to your face?
- House: Wilson annexed the Sudetenland.
- House: You know why you're black?
- Patient: God loves me more than he does you?
- House: (Foreman's brother just suggested a better idea that Foreman) Hey, I don't care where an idea comes from, as long as it makes sense AND embarasses someone.
Black Hole (6.16)
- Mr. Damon: What conclusions can we draw from the incredible number of stars?
- Nick: That the movie's either gonna be really good or really bad.
- House: Foreman's the only one with the balls to take a case without checking with me, and he's still working on breakfast. Which means that the ... 18 ... no, 17-year-old honor student —
- Thirteen: Cuddy has a soft spot for smart girls and they don't start drinking until second semester senior year.
- House: So either you think that smart women look out for each other, which means you're an idiot, or you think Cuddy's not smart, which means ... well, I guess it's the same both ways.
- Thirteen: Then how did you —
- House: Picture fell out of the file; she looks smart.
- Thirteen: We think a severe allergic reaction could be causing systemic breakdown.
- Artie: To my son's sperm?
- Taub: Actually, his semen is more likely the problem. ... Which, I realize is not what you were reacting to...
- Abby: It's a black hole.
- Foreman: She's hallucinating.
- Taub: I certainly hope so.
(Texting between Taub and Rachel; then House and Rachel when he steals phone)
- Taub: Whatcha doing?
- Rachel: groceries.
- Taub: What r u wearing?
- Rachel: U don't want to know.
- House: Take off your shirt.
- Rachel: R u nuts?
- House: Touch yourself.
Rachel smiles, contemplates. Back in House's office:
- Taub: House! It's not funny. I got enough problems already.
- House: Trust me; this is gonna help.
(Monitor in cog sci lab displays an image of someone swinging a bat)
- Thirteen: What are you thinking?
- Abby: About Nick playing baseball.
- Taub: Holy crap!
- Chase: That's amazing.
- Foreman: Yeah. Now all we have to do is read her subconscious and hope that it's completely rational and went to med school.
- Chase: Does anything get you excited?
- Foreman: Well, it's taken us just over an hour to prove that she has a very boring subconscious.
- House: Anyone ever tell you you can be a real buzzkill?
- Chase, Taub, Thirteen: Yes.
- Saleswoman: Can I help you with something?
- Wilson: Yes. Uh, I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about this dining table.
- Saleswoman: It's made of wood, and you eat off it.
- Wilson: So you're paid by commission?
- Saleswoman: It's furniture. Find something you like, let me know, I’ll ring it up.
- Wilson: Thank you so much.
Knight Fall (6.18)
- House: Who's the chick, and why are you hiding her?
- Wilson: You were home last night?
- House: And this morning. I bumped into your babe, naked.
- Wilson:I told you to stay out of my bathroom!
- House: I was in the kitchen.
- Wilson: She was naked in the kitchen?
- House: I was naked.
- Wilson: Why the hell were you naked in the kitchen?
- House: Uh, it's not important right now.
The Choice (6.20)
- Cuddy: I just want us to be friends.
- House: Funny. That's the last thing I want us to be.
Help me (6.22)
- House: Crush syndrome is basically a buildup of potassium. If we remove potassium...
- Cuddy: We're already treating with sodium bicarbonate.
- House: But not with glucose and Insulin. We have glucose in the Kit. There's gotta be a diabetic here somewhere.
- Cuddy: You wanna dose the Insulin here in a non-hospital setting? That is insane! It's not worth it.
- House: Really? 'Cause I think I'm the only one here who knows what a leg is worth. And fortunately, you're not the one in charge--he is. And he knows that I'd testify against him if Hanna sues for cutting off a leg without exhausting every option.
- Cuddy: I know you're angry, but please don't put her life at risk just to get back at me.
- House: Really? Wow.So this is all about you now.
- Cuddy: You took her side against me right after you heard about my engagement.
- House: Yeah. That must be it. It's not that you're a pathetic narcissist.
- Cuddy: I don't love you. So just...Accept it and move on with your life instead of making everyone miserable.
- House: That's great. A life lesson from a middle-aged single mom who's dating a man-child.
- Cuddy: Screw you. I'm sick of making excuses for you. I'm sick of other people having to tiptoe around you and make their own lives worse while they try to keep you from collapsing. I'm done.
- House: Fantastic. Just stay away from my patient.
- Cuddy: What are you clinging to, House? You're gonna risk her life just to save her leg? Really worked out well for you, didn't it? What do you have in your life, honestly? Tell me. I'm moving on. Wilson is moving on. And you...You've got nothing, House. Nothing! I'm going down there, and I'm gonna convince her to let me cut her leg off. If you have any decency left, you'll just stay out of it.
- House: You asked me how I'd hurt my leg. I had a blood clot, and the muscle was dying. And I had all these doctors telling me I should amputate, and I said no, and they did this... Very risky operation. I almost died.
- Hanna: But you saved your leg.
- House: I wish I hadn't. They cut out a chunk of muscle about the size of my fist, and they left me with this mutilated, useless thing. I'm in pain...every day. It changed me. Made me a harder person, a worse person. And now... Now I'm alone. You don't want to be like me. You got a husband who loves you. You have friends. You can start a family. You have a life. And this... This is just a leg.
External links
Wikipedia has an article about: House (TV series)- House M.D. Boards
- House quotes at the Internet Movie Database
- House at TV.com
- House, M.D. at epguides.com
- Watching House updated daily
- German Dr. House Board
- German Dr. House Page
- Episode transcripts at TVTDB.com
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Dallas Morning News (blog)
Sun, 29 May 2011 21:27:40 -0700
Several House members - including Dallas Republicans Dan Branch and Will Hartnett - objected to a provision in a gun bill that bans sending texts and reading texts while driving across the whole state. The bill passed 80-61 and now heads to the ...
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WhiteHouse.gov is the official web site for the White House and President Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States. This site is a source for information ...
www.whitehouse.gov/contact
A house is a building or structure that has the ability to be occupied for habitation by humans or other creatures. The term house includes many kinds of dwellings ranging from rudimentary huts of nomadic tribes to complex structures composed of many systems. English-speaking people generally call any building they routinely occupy "home".
Noun
house m. Declension Singular only Nominative house (IPA: /xaws/) Genitive house'u (IPA: /ˈxawsu/) Dative house'owi (IPA: /xawˈsɔvi/) Accusative house (IPA: /xaws/) Instrumental house'em (IPA: /ˈxawsɛm/) Locative housie (IPA: /ˈxawɕɛ/) Vocative housie (IPA: /ˈxawɕɛ/)
18 min., 54 sec.
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Sat, 30 Apr 2011 19:47:57 PDT
President Obama at the 2011 White House Correspondents& #39; Dinner. View the complete program here: www.c-spanvideo .org
inhabitat.com
Bridgette Meinhold, inhabitat.com
2012-03-19 18:52:48
Ma Modular is a prefab home in Wimberley, Texas designed and built by Ma Modular to be modern, green and affordable.
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